Foster Care Q&A

We get questions all the time about foster care. Recently a friend of mine wrote a post about her and her husband's journey in foster care, and while I realize that I have shared bits and pieces here and there about certain placements, I haven't really talked much about it here. It is definitely a major part of our daily lives, and could use it's own post. I'm going to try and go through some of the most frequent questions we are asked about foster care, and hopefully continue the conversation in the future.

Why did you choose to do foster care?

Several reasons. Number one, is to show the love of Jesus to children who need it more than anything else. God commands us to love the least of these, the most vulnerable. We get the opportunity to do this on a daily basis just by meeting their daily needs that most likely have not been met fully before; love, water, food, a warm bed to sleep in, constant support and a sense of stability. We started praying about it when we were newly married. We have some friends who are foster parents, and seeing them love the kids in their care was (still is) inspirational. That lit the initial fire under us, and the flame just grew and grew as we realized the depth of the need in our city (country, really!). We're doing it because it needs doing, and we are capable of doing. Andrew likes to say "we had room at our table...". There's not much that's special about it, we aren't saints or special people because we chose foster care, we aren't expert parents by any means, and we make plenty of mistakes on a daily basis. We do it because we can do it, and loving these kids brings us much more joy that we could have ever imagined.

What are the ages/gender/race of the children you take care of?
We have had kiddos ranging in age from 2 days old-8 years old, with the majority of our placements being 3 year old. You can specify in your case plan with your home development worker specifics of what kids your family is willing to take. We did specify an age range of Newborn-5 years old because of several different factors including our age, and the age of our biological child, and have accepted a placement outside of that age range only once. Just because you specify, doesn't mean that they wont call you when they need a home for a kid! We have received SEVERAL calls about teenagers, and while it's heartbreaking every single time to say no, you have to do what's best for your family. We didn't specify gender or race with DCFS, but that is something you can do if you choose to. We have mostly had all little boys (with the exception of two girls). I'm not sure why God keeps bringing these precious 3 year old little guys into our lives, but I'm definitely not complaining. We've decided that 3 year old boy placement suits our family just right. 

How do you do it? I could never do that, I would never be able to let them go!

Ah, the most frequently asked question. At first this question kind of rubbed me the wrong way, as if people were saying we are heartless, insensitive people for being able to take a child into our home and then say goodbye without ever shedding a single tear. Then I realized that people really meant this, that they really think they could never do it. It seems silly to me, because from this side, it's just normal. We love these kids with all that we have, for however long we have them, with the end goal in our mind being that they are reunited with their family. That is almost always the first goal in foster care, reunification. You have to realize that not every child that ends up in foster care comes from an irredeemable situation. A lot of times, these families are struggling and making really difficult sacrifices to get their families back together despite impossible odds. Sure, a lot of times it's not that way, and that's where it does get really sticky emotionally. I'm not going to lie, I've had the thought several times that these babies would be MUCH better off with us, but you know what? I don't get to decide that. So, we love. We love as hard as we can, and it hurts to say goodbye. I always tell myself after saying goodbye to each placement that if I am not heartbroken, then I am not doing it right. It's a pain that I dread, but in the end, it's so worth it knowing that we've loved them well and shown them what most likely was the first taste of Jesus in their lives. 

Do you want to adopt? 

Yes, we would love to adopt eventually, when the time is right. Again, with foster care, the main goal most of the time is going to be reunification. Sometimes, that doesn't work out, and the children become adoptable. We really hope to continue doing foster care for a while before adopting, but we know that our plans aren't always (or ever) how it's supposed to be. We are duel certified to foster and adopt, so if the time ever came, we would be ready, but we're not searching for it. Some people do strictly adopt through the foster care system, and it's a wonderful (cost free!) way to add a child who needs a home into your family permanently. On that same page, some foster parents strictly foster with the intention of never adopting, and some foster families that want to adopt do not adopt the first child that becomes adoptable in their care. It's a personal journey, and one that needs a lot of prayer and guidance from God. 

Do you make money doing this? 

Ha. No. We get a reimbursement check from the state monthly that covers a portion of the child's expenses. If you are caring for a foster child the right way, you almost always do not have any of this monthly payment left over. We don't follow a strict budget with our foster children, just like with Ruby, if they need something or want something (within reason), we buy it. It's hard to know exactly how much we spend vs. how much we "get paid" for, just because we're just living life over here. I don't separate their groceries from ours, or pay for their clothes on a separate check. They are ours, and it's our responsibility to provide. 

Have you thought about how this might be affecting Ruby?

Yes, of course. It is something I personally have spent many many quiet moments thinking about. It's one of those things that I know will get harder as she gets older and understands more. Right now, she's just so happy to have extra playmates in the house when we have another child in our home, and then so happy to have one on one attention when we don't, that I don't think it has really affected her. We have pictures of our past foster children on our fridge and she loves pointing to them and having me say their names. She gets excited when we see Baby P (one of our past foster placements that went to stay with another foster family in our church when I had to return to work and he was too young for daycare) at church, and loves to give him hugs. She's a lover, and she's happy to give the love and get it back from her foster brothers or sisters. I do see her picking up on a few of our current kiddos negative habits. I'm sure they aren't all to blame though, our girl just has a strong will and an attitude of her own that happens to come out in screams that mimic her foster brothers' at times. Figuring out how to parent her is going to be a journey on it's own, and we're going to have to figure out how to parent her along side foster kids as time goes on. As she gets older I hope foster care will be a great opportunity to teach her how to love deeply, and show her brothers and sisters what a Christ-like family looks like. 

What about their birth families? 

We can't really give you the full story most of the time. Mostly, because not even we know the full story, but also because it's not really anyone's business. We learn something every day about our kid's pasts that we didn't know the day before. Ultimately, I think the most important thing to remember in regards to foster children's birth families is that they are people too. Most of the time these people really do love their kids, but are in situations that are not conducive to raising children in, or have made really big mistakes that result in their children being taken away. This has been a hard concept for me to grasp, I think mostly because of where I came from, a child of an addict. I had people telling me my whole life that he didn't chose to be this way, and that it's not his fault. I gained the attitude as a teenager of "YES, he actually DID choose to be this way because he's an adult and adults make their own choices!" and have kind of stuck with that belief throughout my adulthood. It's hard to balance out the fact that these adults have made bad choices that have negatively affected their children, and the fact that they are human parents that are capable of loving and caring for their children with the correct support in place. We've learned that the best place to be is a place of wanting to understand where everyone comes from, and have one common goal: to do what's best for the kids.

How hard is it to say goodbye?
So hard. I cannot put into words how difficult it is to see a piece of your family, your heart, leave forever. There's almost always mixed emotions. Feelings of sadness and grief for yourself and your family, and feelings of excitement and anticipation for the birth family. I remember going to court for our foster son T. It was the court date that would determine whether or not he would remain in foster care. Andrew and I's stomachs were in knots the whole time sitting in the waiting room across from what we speculated was T's birth family (whom we had never met before). When the judge said her ruling (for T to return into his mother's care under the supervision of his grandmother and the court) I could feel the heat of tears behind my eyes, but then I looked up and saw his family hugging, smiling, and celebrating that they were getting their baby back. We got up, introduced ourselves, and told them how special of a little boy T is, that we love him so much and are so thankful for the opportunity to have known him. His grandma and mom hugged me tight and thanked us for all that we had done for their boy. In that moment, despite my fears for his future and my hurting heart, I was also so happy. Happy that he had so many people in his life that cared enough to be there and that were visibly excited about the fact that he was returning into their lives. Don't get me wrong, the second I got into the car I bawled like a baby. I dried it up when we got home to explain to our boy that he was going back with his family and then lost it again when he said innocently "I gotta say bye to you?". Its heart wrenching and painful no matter how happy you are for them. Thankfully, with T's situation, we have been able to remain in contact with his grandma and it has been so neat to have that continued relationship. That is definitely something I never expected of foster care, to build real, meaningful relationships with the birth families.

What can we do for you?
You can always pray for us. Pray that we would love and support these kids in every way they need it. Pray for our kids. That they would learn about Jesus and how much he loves them.
The best support system we have is in our church. Our church has several foster families that support each other, but not only do the fellow foster families offer support, our whole congregation does. We have had friends randomly bring us dinner, we have an amazing college student and her boyfriend that babysit our crazy crew and will rarely accept any payment. Anytime we have needed something (for example: and extra twin bed for a sibling group), we have gotten it the day of the request. We get hand-me-down clothes with every new placement, and all of our foster kiddos have been stylish! Our kids' Sunday School teachers pour into them, they love going to "class" and have made so many friends. Church has been a huge way of helping us build connections for our kids. They love feeling like they belong, and our church is remarkable at welcoming them with open arms. It's amazing to feel supported and loved on this journey, and it's completely necessary.We could not do it without support. 

I'm interested in learning more about becoming a foster parent! What should I do?
Awesome! Please reach out to us and feel free to ask any questions that you may have. We really do love answering your questions. You should also get in touch with someone at Crossroads NOLA, the non-profit we are apart of that is working so hard to make a difference in the lives of children in foster care in the greater New Orleans region. They can help get you connected to the right people to get you started on becoming a foster parent.