Lucy-- Two Months

Two sweet months with this precious girl! Time flies when you're having fun. I think we're starting to fall into a bit of a groove with have two little ones. We have moments at our house where Andrew and I look at each other with looks that say "OMG. SAVE me from this madness!", but there are less of those moments lately. Lucy is such a sweetie. She's smiley and talkative (as these pictures show!)...I'm honestly not sure what we're going to do when we have two little girls constantly talking our ears off. Earplugs?

Lucy got into a great sleeping groove this month. In fact, she's had a few nights of 7-8 consecutive hours of sleep. Most nights we get about 6 hours, and I cannot complain about that! She is still going to bed around 10, which I would like to bump back eventually. The night that I tried though, she woke up several times, so I've decided to not mess with it right now.

Her little personality really has emerged this month too. She's smiling, cooing, and kicking like crazy. She's gained lots of head control this month as well and is not quite as wobbly. She gets very upset when she's tired, and when in the carseat, but other than that she's a happy little girl. So thankful for a happy baby!

I started a new job last week (for another post!), so Lucy started daycare. She started about 3 weeks earlier than Ruby did as a baby, and it was just as hard, if not harder, to leave her. She's been doing great though, and (by no surprise) everyone is in love with her. She gets lots of attention and love during the day and is well taken care of. I couldn't ask for anything better.

Health wise, we haven't had the best of luck. Just like Ruby, this girl has got some crappy ears. She got her first ear infection at 6 weeks, and just today got diagnosed with two infected tear ducts. She's handled both things like a champ though, smiling through it all.

Lucy is 11lbs and 23 inches long. She is wearing 0-3 month and 3 month clothes and size 1 diapers. The child loves to eat. She's eating every 2 hours during the day, and getting chunkier by the moment. I love fat baby thighs. Nothing better. 

Favorite things: Mama, eating, smiling, cooing, being carried in the ergo or sling, kicking the toys on her bouncer seat, and TV (I know, I know. It's really quite sad that my two month old likes TV, but she really does...it keeps her quite entertained).

Least favorite things: Car seat, being tired, not being held at all times, tummy time, and cold milk.

Best moment of the month: We had a blast visiting Texas and introducing Lucy to family and friends. Ruby got spoiled beyond belief for her birthday, and Lucy got lots of cuddles with the people who love her from afar.

My Lulu, 

You are such a joy! Life has changed a lot in these past two months with you in it, but we wouldn't trade it for anything. Your precious smile, bright blue eyes, and sweet coos bring so much happiness into our family. 

You are incredibly loved and cherished, Lucy.  

Mama

Life with two

These past 5 and a half weeks have definitely been some of the hardest, most joyful, challenging, and humbling weeks of my life. I was pretty naive going into it, thinking "oh, we've had THREE kids so we can totally do two. No problem!". I think I underestimated how difficult this transition would be on Ruby, thus making it difficult on ALL of us. From the minute Ruby met Lucy, she has been crazy about her. Constantly loving on her, hugging her, kissing her, pointing out her body parts, and wanting to help burp her, change her diaper, put her paci in, etc. She's the sweetest little girl in the whole world, and being a big sister really brings out her sweetness. However, she's an almost two year old, and no longer the center of attention 24 hours a day. Her mama spends her days with a baby attached to her, and can't always jump up and play with her whenever she requests. It's hard on her, and she has been having some seriously intense tantrums.
I felt a lot of guilt at first, wishing I could give her all the attention she wanted while also being able to meet all of Lucy's demands. We've watched waaay too much TV the past three weeks, and at times I've felt like my toddler is being raised by Mickey Mouse and Doc Mcstuffins. The first days at home were emotionally draining for me. Mostly, I'm sure, because of the crazy hormones raging in my post partum body, but also because I wasn't the mama I wanted to be for Ruby. Thank the good Lord that my wonderful in-laws were in town. They helped make Ruby feel loved, supported, and took her out to do fun things that we couldn't have done without them here.
Here's the thing though, it's okay that I feel like I'm doing a crappy job at times. It's okay that our tv is basically always playing cartoons. It's okay that I'm choosing my battles with Ruby, and maybe, just maybe, am letting her eat way too many fruit snacks and animal crackers because the child has decided that sitting down for a meal is the absolute worst form of torture we could ever come up with. We're figuring it out, and it's going to take a while to fall into a groove. That's okay.
One thing that I feel really good about is how much we love these girls. That, I know, is something that will leave a mark on them.  Seeing Ruby softly hold Lucy's hand as we rock each night singing our goodnight songs, hearing her say "ohhh no honeyyy!" when Lucy starts crying tells me that we're doing at least one thing right. Teaching her to love. And she loves so well.

She also throws a mean tantrum.
But let's focus on the love.

These two girls of ours are such a gift. They bring us so much joy and so much love.
I feel so lucky to get to be their mama. Watching them grow is the best gift.

On Being a Mama

Mother's day is this weekend. This will be my third to celebrate as a mama, because we celebrated the year that Ruby-girl was still cookin' in my belly, and I have to say that each year the holiday becomes more and more meaningful to me. Not because of the presents, or the yummy dinner Andrew makes, or even the sweet little gift Ruby makes at daycare (although that definitely melts me into a puddle), it's because every year I grow more and more aware of what a gift this journey of motherhood is.
When I think back on my whopping two years of being a mama (I realize I am absolutely no expert at this point...will any of us ever be?!), I feel so much gratefulness in my heart. Even thinking about the hardest moments; like that first week of Ruby's life, evacuated from hurricane Isaac, painfully engorged and sleep deprived not knowing how on earth I will ever make it out of this alive, crying alongside my hungry baby at every feeding (which was about every 30 minutes) because we just couldn't figure it out. Or my first day back at work after a blissful 12 weeks at home with my sweet baby girl, the guilt I felt leaving her at daycare and how I cried every time I pumped for the first week and a half because all I wanted to be doing was snuggling my girl. Or saying goodbye to our first foster care placement, even though he was only with us 5 days, how my heart felt like it was shattered into a million pieces (and has felt that way every time we say goodbye to one of our precious babies). Even those memories feel like gifts. Maybe because we did figure it out eventually. That's kind of how motherhood has been so far for me. I mess up. A lot. There are a lot of tears, worries, confusion, guilt, and true heartache, but by the grace of God we figure it out and come out on the other side feeling pretty good about it all. Sure, there are days where I feel like screaming into a pillow because of the frustration of not knowing what the heck I'm doing, but I'm always reminded that this love that I get to experience every day, this love like no other, is such a gift. Loving Ruby, our sweet newest bundle, and the 7 other precious little ones that have blessed us the past two years has been the greatest gift I have been given.

"I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love." -Mother Theresa

Ruby -- Month 18

I wrote this last month and just never got around to putting pictures in and posting it. Finally did it! No formal 18 month pictures like usual, but these instagram shots capture her pretty perfectly.

A year and a half. I'm not sure how it's possible, but time just keeps flying by so quickly. Our sweet girl is growing up so fast.

First pony-tail (rockin' the side pony!)

Andrew and I say almost every day to one another "I just love her so much" and "she is so much fun". I think I say this every month, but getting to watch her learn and grow is such a fun experience, and a privilege! Her little mind is constantly working and she is learning so much so fast! Ruby's vocabulary has exploded. She's talking non-stop. Not everything is understandable, but she definitely can get her point across and is trying so hard to say the words she hears us say. It's adorable.

Mardi Gras in style

She's really a smart little cookie. She can count to 3, sometimes 5. She likes to sing ABCs (granted, they aren't understandable), and she knows more animals than I knew in kindergarten probably. She loves to talk, and can understand everything we say to her. She is getting to where she will answer questions about her day like "who did you play with today?" or "what did you have for lunch?", which is really fun. I'm really proud of her, in case you can't tell.

Ruby's first St. Patrick's Day parade! She caught her first cabbage, too!

Dinner at our favorite po-boy place...Parkway!

Ruby spent her first week (really first time over 24 hours) away from us while we were in Hawaii this month. She had a blast in Texas with her Dano & DD, but definitely missed mama and dada (we missed her about 100x more, I can assure you!). I wasn't sure how she would do with facetime, she sometimes just gets sad to hang up when we have done it in the past with friends/family. She did great though. It was sad at times because we could tell she just wanted to touch and hug us, but she handled it really well and it definitely helped passed the days to be able to see her sweet face and hear her raspy little voice.

 When we got back from Hawaii, we celebrated my long time friend Danielle's marriage to her sweet hubby Tim. Ruby was one of their flower girls, and was basically the cutest little thing you've ever laid eyes on. She walked down the isle so well, and made everyone in the crowd smile from ear to ear.

Emily Davis Photography

Emily Davis Photography 

I can't say for sure, because we haven't been to the doctor recently (horray for that!), but I think she has gotten taller recently. Her little face seems like it's starting to thin out and she is losing some of the 'babyness' about her. She's eating great lately. Loving a lot of healthier options (broccoli, carrots, peas, apples are her favorites), and still loving all the not healthy stuff too (graham crackers, teddy grahams, cookies, ice cream, mac n cheese, pizza). She's become more of a decent eater although some days are hit and miss. She usually eats 1/2 of her lunch at daycare, and will most of time eat even less dinner. She definitely gets the bulk of her food in at breakfast and snacks.

Picking out flowers for our yard

I was a little worried that our being gone for a week would totally wreck havoc on our amazing groove we had gotten into in the sleep department. Ruby was a trooper for her grandparents though, and slept amazingly the entire time. She was pretty clingy when we got back. It didn't help that we were in a hotel for 2 nights right after we got back from Hawaii, so she got to sleep in a big bed with Mama. We had a few nights that were a little rough putting her to sleep when we got back to Louisiana, but she's back to going down mostly smoothly now. She's sleeping 10-11 hours at night, and takes 2-3 hour naps. Definitely can't complain! She's started asking to "wok" (rock) before bed, which I happily oblige to, and it has become a sweet little wind down time for us at night.

Sleeping in the bed with mama & daddy in Texas

The morning after we got back from our travels...tired girl!

Ruby has been interested in the potty for a couple of months now. Back in January she started telling us when she was about to go poop (TMI? sorry.), and so I did what every other first time mother would do, dropped everything and ran to target to buy a training potty. Ruby loves it. She loves to sit on it and read, and it's pretty much the cutest thing ever, but she definitely does not quite get the entire concept. She knows "poo-poo" and "pee-pee" go in the potty, I just don't think she's figured out quite how to get them in there. She asks to sit on it all the time "potty mama! potty!", and I almost always just let her sit on it in her diaper because 99.9% of the time she's just playing. I'm optimistic though (and most likely extremely naive) about it. I feel like she's interested and excited about using the potty and hopefully that will pay of sometime soon. We're not going to push it, and I definitely expect to have two in diapers for a while.

                                     

Favorite things:
-Babies. ALL babies. At restaurants, church, grocery stores, she gets SO excited when we see a baby. She's going to be such a great big sister.
-Dancing. This girl has some serious moves. I love it so much.
-Ruby has become very encouraging this month. If you do something good (sing a pretty song, dance with some good moves, give her something she likes), she loudly claps and says "YAAAAY Mama!!!" She also loves to "cheer" for people by doing a fist pump in the air and saying "Go Ruby, Go Nolan, Go Mama, Go Dada!" Whenever we start cheering we have to go through all of her favorite people before we can be done cheering (usually multiple times).
-Animals (especially dogs and cats). She's become extremely obsessed with our neighbors cat, Minnie. Every time we go outside she starts calling "Minnnnieeeee!!!" She's always so disappointed when Minnie doesn't want to be pet.
-Reading
-Ice (sonic ice). She loves to have the ice after we finish our drinks. I ordered her her own little cup of ice at sonic the other day and she was so excited.
-Elmo. She can now sing "la la la la, la la la la, elmo's world!". So darn cute.
-Being destructive. She is literally a tornado in our house. Just going around finding things to pull off of shelves, out of drawers, and into toilets.
-Climbing. She's gotten to where she can climb up the ladder on our playground in our backyard. I'm always right behind her still because she just seems too little to be climbing so high, but she definitely gets mad at me if I try and help her.

These two...melt. 

Not so favorite things:
-Being told "no". She always thinks it's a joke. Like "no way they are ACTUALLY telling me to not do something!" When we get serious with her she is really heartbroken that she can't always have her way. She's a hardheaded little girl. It's her way, or screams. So, we hear a lot of screaming these days.
-Still not crazy about the car seat. Usually once the car is in motion she gets distracted by looking out the window, though. I still have her rear-facing, with no real intentions of forward facing her anytime soon, but I do wonder if forward facing would help her enjoy the car more. We'll see someday, I suppose!
-Sitting still (this includes in the grocery cart, doctors office, anywhere where running around like a wild child is not appropriate)

My girl, 

I love you so much. Being your mom is truly the best gift I've ever been given. Every day with you is an adventure, and getting to watch you grow is my joy. You have so much personality, spunk, character, and determination in your tiny little body. It's inspiring, and exhausting. You are an amazing little girl, and I am proud to be your mama. 

Foster Care Q&A

We get questions all the time about foster care. Recently a friend of mine wrote a post about her and her husband's journey in foster care, and while I realize that I have shared bits and pieces here and there about certain placements, I haven't really talked much about it here. It is definitely a major part of our daily lives, and could use it's own post. I'm going to try and go through some of the most frequent questions we are asked about foster care, and hopefully continue the conversation in the future.

Why did you choose to do foster care?

Several reasons. Number one, is to show the love of Jesus to children who need it more than anything else. God commands us to love the least of these, the most vulnerable. We get the opportunity to do this on a daily basis just by meeting their daily needs that most likely have not been met fully before; love, water, food, a warm bed to sleep in, constant support and a sense of stability. We started praying about it when we were newly married. We have some friends who are foster parents, and seeing them love the kids in their care was (still is) inspirational. That lit the initial fire under us, and the flame just grew and grew as we realized the depth of the need in our city (country, really!). We're doing it because it needs doing, and we are capable of doing. Andrew likes to say "we had room at our table...". There's not much that's special about it, we aren't saints or special people because we chose foster care, we aren't expert parents by any means, and we make plenty of mistakes on a daily basis. We do it because we can do it, and loving these kids brings us much more joy that we could have ever imagined.

What are the ages/gender/race of the children you take care of?
We have had kiddos ranging in age from 2 days old-8 years old, with the majority of our placements being 3 year old. You can specify in your case plan with your home development worker specifics of what kids your family is willing to take. We did specify an age range of Newborn-5 years old because of several different factors including our age, and the age of our biological child, and have accepted a placement outside of that age range only once. Just because you specify, doesn't mean that they wont call you when they need a home for a kid! We have received SEVERAL calls about teenagers, and while it's heartbreaking every single time to say no, you have to do what's best for your family. We didn't specify gender or race with DCFS, but that is something you can do if you choose to. We have mostly had all little boys (with the exception of two girls). I'm not sure why God keeps bringing these precious 3 year old little guys into our lives, but I'm definitely not complaining. We've decided that 3 year old boy placement suits our family just right. 

How do you do it? I could never do that, I would never be able to let them go!

Ah, the most frequently asked question. At first this question kind of rubbed me the wrong way, as if people were saying we are heartless, insensitive people for being able to take a child into our home and then say goodbye without ever shedding a single tear. Then I realized that people really meant this, that they really think they could never do it. It seems silly to me, because from this side, it's just normal. We love these kids with all that we have, for however long we have them, with the end goal in our mind being that they are reunited with their family. That is almost always the first goal in foster care, reunification. You have to realize that not every child that ends up in foster care comes from an irredeemable situation. A lot of times, these families are struggling and making really difficult sacrifices to get their families back together despite impossible odds. Sure, a lot of times it's not that way, and that's where it does get really sticky emotionally. I'm not going to lie, I've had the thought several times that these babies would be MUCH better off with us, but you know what? I don't get to decide that. So, we love. We love as hard as we can, and it hurts to say goodbye. I always tell myself after saying goodbye to each placement that if I am not heartbroken, then I am not doing it right. It's a pain that I dread, but in the end, it's so worth it knowing that we've loved them well and shown them what most likely was the first taste of Jesus in their lives. 

Do you want to adopt? 

Yes, we would love to adopt eventually, when the time is right. Again, with foster care, the main goal most of the time is going to be reunification. Sometimes, that doesn't work out, and the children become adoptable. We really hope to continue doing foster care for a while before adopting, but we know that our plans aren't always (or ever) how it's supposed to be. We are duel certified to foster and adopt, so if the time ever came, we would be ready, but we're not searching for it. Some people do strictly adopt through the foster care system, and it's a wonderful (cost free!) way to add a child who needs a home into your family permanently. On that same page, some foster parents strictly foster with the intention of never adopting, and some foster families that want to adopt do not adopt the first child that becomes adoptable in their care. It's a personal journey, and one that needs a lot of prayer and guidance from God. 

Do you make money doing this? 

Ha. No. We get a reimbursement check from the state monthly that covers a portion of the child's expenses. If you are caring for a foster child the right way, you almost always do not have any of this monthly payment left over. We don't follow a strict budget with our foster children, just like with Ruby, if they need something or want something (within reason), we buy it. It's hard to know exactly how much we spend vs. how much we "get paid" for, just because we're just living life over here. I don't separate their groceries from ours, or pay for their clothes on a separate check. They are ours, and it's our responsibility to provide. 

Have you thought about how this might be affecting Ruby?

Yes, of course. It is something I personally have spent many many quiet moments thinking about. It's one of those things that I know will get harder as she gets older and understands more. Right now, she's just so happy to have extra playmates in the house when we have another child in our home, and then so happy to have one on one attention when we don't, that I don't think it has really affected her. We have pictures of our past foster children on our fridge and she loves pointing to them and having me say their names. She gets excited when we see Baby P (one of our past foster placements that went to stay with another foster family in our church when I had to return to work and he was too young for daycare) at church, and loves to give him hugs. She's a lover, and she's happy to give the love and get it back from her foster brothers or sisters. I do see her picking up on a few of our current kiddos negative habits. I'm sure they aren't all to blame though, our girl just has a strong will and an attitude of her own that happens to come out in screams that mimic her foster brothers' at times. Figuring out how to parent her is going to be a journey on it's own, and we're going to have to figure out how to parent her along side foster kids as time goes on. As she gets older I hope foster care will be a great opportunity to teach her how to love deeply, and show her brothers and sisters what a Christ-like family looks like. 

What about their birth families? 

We can't really give you the full story most of the time. Mostly, because not even we know the full story, but also because it's not really anyone's business. We learn something every day about our kid's pasts that we didn't know the day before. Ultimately, I think the most important thing to remember in regards to foster children's birth families is that they are people too. Most of the time these people really do love their kids, but are in situations that are not conducive to raising children in, or have made really big mistakes that result in their children being taken away. This has been a hard concept for me to grasp, I think mostly because of where I came from, a child of an addict. I had people telling me my whole life that he didn't chose to be this way, and that it's not his fault. I gained the attitude as a teenager of "YES, he actually DID choose to be this way because he's an adult and adults make their own choices!" and have kind of stuck with that belief throughout my adulthood. It's hard to balance out the fact that these adults have made bad choices that have negatively affected their children, and the fact that they are human parents that are capable of loving and caring for their children with the correct support in place. We've learned that the best place to be is a place of wanting to understand where everyone comes from, and have one common goal: to do what's best for the kids.

How hard is it to say goodbye?
So hard. I cannot put into words how difficult it is to see a piece of your family, your heart, leave forever. There's almost always mixed emotions. Feelings of sadness and grief for yourself and your family, and feelings of excitement and anticipation for the birth family. I remember going to court for our foster son T. It was the court date that would determine whether or not he would remain in foster care. Andrew and I's stomachs were in knots the whole time sitting in the waiting room across from what we speculated was T's birth family (whom we had never met before). When the judge said her ruling (for T to return into his mother's care under the supervision of his grandmother and the court) I could feel the heat of tears behind my eyes, but then I looked up and saw his family hugging, smiling, and celebrating that they were getting their baby back. We got up, introduced ourselves, and told them how special of a little boy T is, that we love him so much and are so thankful for the opportunity to have known him. His grandma and mom hugged me tight and thanked us for all that we had done for their boy. In that moment, despite my fears for his future and my hurting heart, I was also so happy. Happy that he had so many people in his life that cared enough to be there and that were visibly excited about the fact that he was returning into their lives. Don't get me wrong, the second I got into the car I bawled like a baby. I dried it up when we got home to explain to our boy that he was going back with his family and then lost it again when he said innocently "I gotta say bye to you?". Its heart wrenching and painful no matter how happy you are for them. Thankfully, with T's situation, we have been able to remain in contact with his grandma and it has been so neat to have that continued relationship. That is definitely something I never expected of foster care, to build real, meaningful relationships with the birth families.

What can we do for you?
You can always pray for us. Pray that we would love and support these kids in every way they need it. Pray for our kids. That they would learn about Jesus and how much he loves them.
The best support system we have is in our church. Our church has several foster families that support each other, but not only do the fellow foster families offer support, our whole congregation does. We have had friends randomly bring us dinner, we have an amazing college student and her boyfriend that babysit our crazy crew and will rarely accept any payment. Anytime we have needed something (for example: and extra twin bed for a sibling group), we have gotten it the day of the request. We get hand-me-down clothes with every new placement, and all of our foster kiddos have been stylish! Our kids' Sunday School teachers pour into them, they love going to "class" and have made so many friends. Church has been a huge way of helping us build connections for our kids. They love feeling like they belong, and our church is remarkable at welcoming them with open arms. It's amazing to feel supported and loved on this journey, and it's completely necessary.We could not do it without support. 

I'm interested in learning more about becoming a foster parent! What should I do?
Awesome! Please reach out to us and feel free to ask any questions that you may have. We really do love answering your questions. You should also get in touch with someone at Crossroads NOLA, the non-profit we are apart of that is working so hard to make a difference in the lives of children in foster care in the greater New Orleans region. They can help get you connected to the right people to get you started on becoming a foster parent. 

Ruby -- 14 Months

This kid is pure delight. I mean, seriously, she is the best.
I know I'm her mom and I'm supposed to think that, but its true.

I'm loving this age. Ruby is a little person. She's "talking" up a storm and has quite the personality. Her teachers at daycare have declared her their little helper, as she knows everyone's name in the class, whose bottle/pacifier/lovey is whose, and will help distribute them when asked. I had a pretty serious talk with the daycare director about reducing our monthly fee on account of my daughter being put to work every day. ;) Every time I pick her up from daycare she is either perched on something she's not supposed to be on top of, or under something she's not supposed to be under. She's a mess, and everyone loves her for it.

Ruby can totally walk now. Does she? Heck no. She still prefers to be carried, or crawling. She recently has really started loving walking as long as she has one of my fingers to hold onto. I really don't mind that she is taking it slow on the walking front, besides the fact that she's heavy, and demanding about what direction she wishes to be going in. I think once more kids in her class start walking, she'll want to keep up and do it more often.

We've gotten her completely off bottles now. The transition was so much easier than I expected it to be. She sailed through it like a champ and never looked back. She's drinking sippy cups of whole milk at school, and nursing 1-2 times in the evenings. Now nursing, that's another story. She's an addict, and I don't see her giving up any time soon. I'm not pushing it yet, but I'm planning on trying to wean her completely by 18 months (we'll see...). Rubes is still SUUUUPER picky when it comes to table food, and turns her nose up at things that she once adored. I can't understand this girl and her palate. The one thing that has changed is I am able to ask her what she wants to eat, hold up some options, and she can pick. This has helped SO much in decreasing the amount of food we waste because I can just give her what she wants (within reason...because she would eat 10 bananas a day if I let her). She's really enjoying those fancy squeeze pouches of apple sauce, or other pureed foods, which is odd because she started despising purees around 9 months old. Oh well, we go with the flow around here, and she's definitely not malnourished!

Like I said, this girl has quite the personality, and with lots of personality comes lots of EMOTIONS. Oh the drama! She can go from smiling, clapping, and having a grand ole time to head on the floor screaming like her leg was just cut off in seconds. She has started putting her hands over her mouth when she laughs/cries/thinks something is funny/is surprised and it is just the cutest most dramatic thing ever. Lets just say, Ruby knows what she wants, and she makes her needs and wants very clear...

We finally had a month of NO doctors appointments! She still has a consistently snotty nose every morning, but I think she just has terrible allergies like her mama (sorry, baby!). This has been our healthiest month so far (since last December). I'm hoping this is a trend. 

We still have a great sleeper on our hands! Thank goodness. She goes so hard during the day that her little body needs all the rest it can get. We've had to change our nighttime routine a little bit because Ruby no longer likes to nurse to sleep (kind of sad...). She will nurse and then want to play for a little while. She has kind of stopped showing her normal sleepy signs when she's all wrapped up in playing before bed, so we usually have to cut her off around 8-8:30. Daddy takes her to her crib where she will now lay down by herself, let out a few little cries and fall asleep on her own. She usually sleeps until around 7:30. 

Speaking of playing, Ruby LOVES to play! She is go, go, go when we are outside (hence the lack of pictures on her quilt this month...and the ones I did get are WAY over exposed...). She really loves to play up in the little play house in the back yard. She watches the boys and Banjo run around and screams and laughs at them. It's adorable. I think she kind of feels like queen of the world up there. 

Other cute things Ruby has added to her repertoire this month? Her cheese face. Oh, it's so darn cute. She squints her eyes and gets the biggest grin. It's destined to make you swoon if you should meet it. She has also started to fake closing her eyes during prayer. She will squint her eyes as tight as she can while still keeping a tiny slit to see out of while we pray. She looks around, tilting her head in every direction possible to get the best view out of her tiny eye slits. Hilarious. She has mastered the dance moves to the song "My God is So Big", and she does them with such passion and enthusiasm.  She still gives amazing hugs and kisses, and is very generous with them. She also still loves to blow raspberries on my belly. Andrew and I cannot get over how much she makes us laugh. It's the best.

Ruby's 14 Month Favorite Things:
-Bananas. So. Many. "nanas"
-Bath time
-Playing outside
-Carbs
-Laughing at Banjo
-Kisses and hugs
-Eating dog food
-Dancing, singing, being cute
-Pointing at everything
-Taking her shoes and socks off
-Climbing
-"blowing" her nose. She makes a fart sound with her lips when you hold a tissue up to her nose. So cute.

Ruby's 14 Month Not-So-Favorite Things:
-Wearing shoes or socks
-Being told "no"
-Falling down when trying to walk (instant meltdown every time)
-Sharing...need to work on this.
-Not having everyone's undivided attention
-Meat. My little vegetarian.
-Getting in the car seat.

My Girl, 

Your sweet, spunky, quirky personality melts me. I love how at only 14 months old you are already so full of passionate opinions about how things should be. Some may call it trouble, or hard headed, but I think it's great. You're becoming your own person. A wonderful, silly, creative little person that is so full of life. I am so proud of that. I don't think it's anything your dad and I have done, or haven't done, I think it's all you. I love that. I am so thankful for you, sweet girl. Your hugs, slobbery kisses, and sweet raspy voice can turn a horrible day into a great one. I know God is going to use you in a mighty way, and I'm so happy that we get a front row seat to watch it all unfold. 

You're loved. So very much. 

Mama

Grace.

I have had one of those nights weeks where I feel like I am doing nothing right in this role as a mama. I have recently (although it's something that I struggle with very often) become ridden with guilt over not being able to stay home with Ruby. I often feel like I'm not being the best mom that I could be for her because I only get to see her for 3-4 hours every day, and when we are together I'm usually tired, making dinner, cleaning, doing laundry, and disciplining and teaching the other two kiddos we have in our home right now. Every night when I lay her in her crib, kiss her cheek and walk out of the room I feel like I'm going to cry. Feeling like you're not doing your best at what you view as your most important job ever is pretty gut wrenching. I have noticed this week in my exhaustion that these feelings of not being good enough are consuming me, and making me even more into a person that I do not want to be (how about that?!). I have been impatient and not very graceful with the boys, when all they need is constant patience, love, and support, and I can see it starting to affect all of us in small ways.
Then I sit down after a long, hard day of work, kids, LIFE and reflect on all of these ugly feelings. You know what? The grace that I'm kicking myself for not giving to the boys when they lied about who spilled the juice, or my screaming one year old who just cannot be put down for one second, is what I really need to be giving to myself. That's always good place to start, and finish. Grace. And goodness knows that I'm not great at extending that grace to myself. I'm grateful for a husband that is filled with this grace, and is able to speaks truth to me continuously, reminding me that Ruby is loved and she knows it. She's loved at home, she's loved at daycare, and she already at the ripe old age of 13 months exudes the love she receives and dishes it out so well. She is a thriving, happy, and smart little girl who is well taken care of. I am blessed to have a job that helps us feed our family, allows us to have health insurance, and welcome other children that do not have a place to call home into our home to love them, care for them, buy them clothes and teach them about Jesus. Sometimes though? It's hard to keep those thoughts in the forefront. This guilt, this "mom guilt", is crippling.

But he said to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I will delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor. 12:9&10)

His grace is sufficient. His grace is waiting for me in the morning when I wake up in a dark house to the sounds of the ones I love sleeping peacefully around me. His grace is there when I softly kiss my sleeping baby good-bye for the day. His grace is there as I drive to work wishing I could have more time with my girl. His grace reminds me that this life, this crazy wonderful journey is a long winding road of figuring out how get better at trusting Him. "Trusting that the God who built our kids will parent them in our absence, will grow them in courage, and teach them over time that this is what love looks like. Gritty, committed, and determined to do what is necessary."*

And drenched in grace, friends. Drenched in grace.  

*(taken from this amazing blog)

Our First Placement

We got the call that we have been eagerly waiting for on Thursday afternoon. The voice on the other end told me a brief story about a two year old boy who was removed from his home for neglect. A few hours later, Andrew and I were rushing around trying to prepare for this little life that would soon be joining ours. We saw the minivan pull into our driveway and went out to greet him with Ruby bouncing and sucking on a frozen peach on my hip. Out of the van pops a little boy with straight blonde hair and pretty blue eyes.

He was visibly scared a confused, and had just been awaken from his nap in the car. The social worker walked inside with us and gave us some paperwork to sign, then left as quickly as she had come. Suddenly, our lives had changed. I looked at Andrew and said "we have two kids", he came back with "TADA!".

Turns out that the little guy (we'll call him Bug here....mostly because I was calling him Bud one day and he turned to me with a concerned face "BUG??") was 3, not 2. He was tall, his sweet little face was covered in dirt,and his fingernails long with black dirt underneath them. We talk some about trucks, and show him his room with his big boy bed and stuffed animals waiting for him. That night was rough for all of us. He cried a lot, and we did a lot of comforting. We all fell in love.

Fast forward 5 days later. He's constantly hugging us, asking for "kiss" and saying "I lub you". We have little games we play, and things we say, like when we buckle him in his car seat "Bug has 1 leg" and he corrects us "NO! TWO LEG!", ect.. He's apart of us already. He calls Ruby "bebe" and Banjo "puppy". He is enamored with them and constantly says "look at that bebe!" "look at that puppy!!". He loves "gofish" and says ouch in the cutest way possible "OUSH". He loves bath-time, in fact when we got home from a BBQ at a friend's house last night the first thing he said was "BATH? Take a bath?!". We were told he didn't have running water at his house, so I'm sure he was just so excited to be ABLE to take a bath. He makes us laugh and smile, and truly has brought our house so much joy. He's affectionate and lapping up the love that we are dishing out. We've committed our hearts to loving this little guy 100%, no matter what.

I got a call this morning shortly after getting to work from his social worker, she told me that Bug had court and had to be there in an hour. She apologized for the late notice, and said that someone would be picking him up in 30 minutes. A million things ran through my mind. I'm mostly worried about how today will go for him, I know he's scared and confused in yet another new, unfamiliar place. I hope they have toys for him to play with, and that someone nice and patient is watching him. I wish I could be there to tell him that everything is okay, and make sure he knows how much we love him. I'm letting my thoughts run on, and think about if the judge says he can go home today. We wont even get to hug and kiss him goodbye, or tell him one more time that he is SO loved. My eyes keep welling up with tears and I keep pushing them back down.

I take a deep breath and remember who is in control. I remember that God has already written Bug's story, and that He will never leave or forsake Bug. "I will never leave you, or forsake you. Know that I am with you, you will never be alone" are words to a sweet song that I would lightly sing to Bug when he was nervous about going to bed. Those words are ringing in my ears today, I need them too, I need to know that Bug will never be alone, even if we can't be with him.

I guess going into foster care, I didn't anticipate loving as much as I do. I mean, I knew we were going to be committed to loving the kids that came into our home (for however brief or long-term), but I guess I'm just surprised that I love THIS much. I guess we wouldn't be doing it right if we didn't love Bug as much as we do. We are 100% in, and loving at 100% as well. I think (and hope) that Bug felt that.

I don't know what will happen today with Bug. This morning when I hugged him tight and kissed his sweet little face over and over again might have been the last time I will ever see him. That's surreal to me. To love someone so hard for such a short amount of time and then never see them again? It's a strange feeling. It's a feeling that I'm willing to embrace, though. I know we are going to grieve when Bug leaves us, but I also know our hearts are capable of so much more love. I'm excited to see where God takes us, and who he brings to us to love.

We're in this 100%.

Half a Year

Half a year ago around 2am, just two short hours after meeting your beautiful self for the first time, I got wheeled into a cold and tiny postpartum hospital room. 

Exhausted from the journey we just took together, your dad fell asleep quickly on the fold out chair contraption that was his bed for the next 2 nights. 

I laid in the bed cold and hurting, longing to hold you again. 

The nurse brought you in, you were swaddled tightly and were warm when she handed you to me. She told me how beautiful you were and that you were strong and healthy. We shared a little laugh about how the nursery was crowded and all the babies were crying. The nurse said that when she looked over at you in your bassinet you were just laying there with your eyes big and open, blinking slowly, taking it all in. My girl. 

She left and turned the lights off saying "please call when you decide you want some rest, I'll come back and get her from you....congratulations." 

I smiled and nodded, sat up in bed and undid your tight swaddle so I could study your sweet, tiny body. 

Your skin was still wrinkly from swimming around in my belly for almost 10 months, your lips pink and soft, and your hair still a little wet from the bath the nurse gave you in the nursery. 

You let out a soft, squeaky cry, probably slightly perturbed that I just released you from your tight, comfy cocoon. I unbuttoned my hospital gown at the top and slipped you in to be closer to where you came from. I felt you relax, all 6 pounds of you on my chest. I took a deep breath and relaxed my body just like you had just done. 

You were here. My girl. 

My heart would never be the same. 

I held you that way for over an hour, staring down at your beautiful profile. I don't really remember what I was thinking about during these precious moments. I mostly just remember being silent, breathing you in and stroking your fuzzy hair and soft skin. 

Once you started to stir, I fed you, and you quickly went back to sleep. We cuddled until the sun came up. I don't think I took my eyes off of you once. 

The doctor came in early and your dad woke up. I handed you over to him and you drew him in just like you had done to me. 

You have a way of doing that to us, Ruby. A way of stealing our hearts and making us feel like we have loved you all our lives, whether it's been 6 hours or 6 months. It feels like you have always been right here in our hearts. 

I'm thankful for those quiet, still moments we got to spend together 6 months ago. I will never forget those first moments of getting to know you, my darling girl. 

You are so very precious to us. 

Happy Half Birthday, Ruby. 

I love you, 

Mama

Thankful

We're wrapping up a very special season in my life, my maternity leave.
As we go into the Thanksgiving holiday I am trying to be very intentional about keeping a happy heart and a grateful spirit even though I have a lot of sadness about the upcoming transition. I am constantly reminding myself that I am so blessed to have had 12 weeks at home with my girl. It has been such an incredible time to get to know her and enjoy her sweet, perfect, delicious babyness. I wish so badly that I could stay at home with her full time and get to witness every smile and coo. I feel guilty leaving her in a daycare where she wont be the center of attention. I feel envious of the mamas who get to stay home with their babies. I feel sad that for the first couple of weeks, when she cries her teachers aren't going to know what's wrong and how to soothe her like I do. It's HARD to leave your baby. Period.
However, with all of these hard emotions there are also feelings of thankfulness for a job that can provide for our family, a job where I get to help people and make a difference every day. I know that by going back to work we are going to be able to save money so that someday we can pay for Ruby to go to college and hopefully make it so she won't have to have thousands upon thousands of dollars in loans like I do. I know that me going back to work is 100% the best option, it's just not the easiest. I am thankful for a husband that has been able to provide for us during these 12 weeks and has been so gracious and flexible with me wanting to take so much time off. I'm thankful for a job that has allowed me 12 weeks off. I'm thankful for the wonderful daycare where Ruby will spend her days. The ladies there are SO excited for her to be there and I know she will be well loved, cared for, and SPOILED (she is going to daycare at the church where Andrew works, so daddy will be available to check on our girl during the day, too...another thing to be thankful for!). I'm thankful for an easygoing baby who I'm sure will handle this transition ten times better than I will. I'm thankful for the fact that I get to come home to family that I love.

As I sit watching football with my sweet husband with my cuddly, sleepy, adorable baby laying on my chest, I cannot help but be completely overwhelmed with thankfulness. I'm soaking up these moments knowing that just because I'm not going to get every second of every day with my girl, doesn't mean every second I do get can't be just as special...dare I say it will make it even more special?

No matter what, I have a crazy amount of love in my heart and it makes me insanely happy...

...and thankful. 

Happy Thanksgiving. 

Ruby-Two Months

The love of our lives is TWO months old! I will say it again (and probably every month from here on out), how in the world does time fly by so very quickly? 

Although it's definitely a little bittersweet to see her getting so big, Ruby is getting more and more fun every day. She is FULL of personality. This girl loves to smile and talk. I love having "conversations" with her. I'll say something and she will say "ah-goo" "coo" back. It's pretty heart-meltingly sweet. 

We had her two month doctor appointment last Friday. She is a whopping 11 pounds 4 oz, and 22 inches long. That puts her in the 60th percentile for weight and 50th percentile for height. Our chunky little chick. 

I did mention to the doctor that I had noticed she favors the right side of her head. She always sleeps, plays, and prefers laying on the right side of her head. I had tried to encourage her to look the other way by putting toys on her left side, or laying on the ground beside her, but she wouldn't budge. After examining her he said that she had what is called "torticollis". It's basically a shortening and tightening of the neck muscles on one side. He taught us how to do exercises for her neck and said it should improve if we do them 3-4 times a day. If it has not improved by her 4 month appointment we will have to get her some physical therapy. 

Although this is something that can be fixed with time, it's still a little scary and sad for her to get "diagnosed" with something wrong with her. I know there are much worse things that could happen, and I am so grateful for our healthy girl, but as a mama you just want everything to be wonderful and easy for your little love. The exercises hurt her and it makes me so sad to have to do them with her 4 times a day. Knowing that it's helping her does make it easier, but hearing your baby cry is never easy. I cannot wait for her to get better!

The two month vaccines threw a big ole wrench into what little schedule we did have. She handled the shots like a champ while we were in the doctor's office and fell asleep right after. However, after a verrrrry long 5 hour nap (she missed a meal, which this child NEVER does) she woke up on the wrong side of the bassinet. She was genuinely PISSED about the fact that we let that mean nurse stab her and didn't get over it for about 2 and a half days. She cried more in those two days than she has cried in her entire life. It was miserable (for her and us). I'm already dreading those 4 month shots. 

The whole shot debacle did teach me how thankful I am for my happy baby. She is most always content and sweet, only crying when she is hungry, tired, or angry about how fast (or slow) the milk is coming out of the boob. Pretty easy to please and I'm pleased about that. 

We moved from newborn diapers to size one about two weeks ago. We have a few boxes of size ones that were given to us and it has been so refreshing not to have to buy diapers for a couple of weeks. I've packed up most of her newborn clothes (tear). She still fits into 4 of her cute little newborn outfits so I'm hanging onto those for a while and putting them on her as many times as possible. I never thought packing away her tiny little outfits would be so sad...I got attached to her teeny clothes. However, we have lots of cute bigger clothes on the horizon so that helps! :) 

We have a little bit more consistent sleep schedule than we had last month. Like I mentioned before, the shots royally messed up the sleep schedule we did have for about 3 nights, but things have pretty much returned to normal now. What is normal exactly? Well, around 8:30-9:00 we bathe her in warm water (we only actually wash her every 3-4 nights to keep her skin from drying out) because she absolutely LOVES getting in the bath, after her bath she gets all lotioned up and we put on her jams. She usually takes a little cat nap and wakes up to eat again around 10:30-11:00. I feed her one more time, swaddle, and put her to bed (and hopefully go to bed myself). She usually sleeps until around 3:30am, which is pretty good. I of course wouldn't mind if she decided to extend that a few hours. After her 3 o'clock feeding she usually sleeps until 6:30-7:00 and Andrew usually feeds her a bottle at this time and lets me sleep. I'm going to have to change some things about her schedule before I go back to work. I'm hoping to get her to go down for her long stretch a little sooner, and hopefully she will start extending that stretch even longer. We'll see. Either way, waking up isn't all too bad when I lean over her bassinet and catch some of the biggest, happiest grins possible (like above photos). 

Her hair is growing more, except it's all mostly in the back :). She has an adorable, thick hair swirl going on back there and it makes me smile so big. It gets super tight and curled up after her hair gets washed and I absolutely love it. I am looking forward for her hair to start growing more in the front so we can play with clips and bows, but for now I'm definitely enjoying this funky hairdo that she has. 

It is amazing how much she continues to change in such short amounts of time. Looking back at month one  makes my jaw drop at how much she has grown and developed. It's such a fun journey! 

My sweet Ruby, 

You beautiful soul, you. I love seeing you grow and shine. Your smile brightens the world and I know it's never going to stop doing so. You light up our lives with joy and happiness. This month has had its challenges (shots, your neck diagnosis), but it just showed dad and I how much we love you and want to protect you from any pain and sadness. I know that's impossible and I'll maybe come to terms with that eventually, but either way, we will always hold your hand through it all.  Your dad and I love you so much and are so glad you came into our lives and changed them for the better two months ago. You are so beautifully, wonderfully you and I can't wait to see you continue to grow into yourself. 

We love you so much, sweetheart. 

Mama