Grace.

I have had one of those nights weeks where I feel like I am doing nothing right in this role as a mama. I have recently (although it's something that I struggle with very often) become ridden with guilt over not being able to stay home with Ruby. I often feel like I'm not being the best mom that I could be for her because I only get to see her for 3-4 hours every day, and when we are together I'm usually tired, making dinner, cleaning, doing laundry, and disciplining and teaching the other two kiddos we have in our home right now. Every night when I lay her in her crib, kiss her cheek and walk out of the room I feel like I'm going to cry. Feeling like you're not doing your best at what you view as your most important job ever is pretty gut wrenching. I have noticed this week in my exhaustion that these feelings of not being good enough are consuming me, and making me even more into a person that I do not want to be (how about that?!). I have been impatient and not very graceful with the boys, when all they need is constant patience, love, and support, and I can see it starting to affect all of us in small ways.
Then I sit down after a long, hard day of work, kids, LIFE and reflect on all of these ugly feelings. You know what? The grace that I'm kicking myself for not giving to the boys when they lied about who spilled the juice, or my screaming one year old who just cannot be put down for one second, is what I really need to be giving to myself. That's always good place to start, and finish. Grace. And goodness knows that I'm not great at extending that grace to myself. I'm grateful for a husband that is filled with this grace, and is able to speaks truth to me continuously, reminding me that Ruby is loved and she knows it. She's loved at home, she's loved at daycare, and she already at the ripe old age of 13 months exudes the love she receives and dishes it out so well. She is a thriving, happy, and smart little girl who is well taken care of. I am blessed to have a job that helps us feed our family, allows us to have health insurance, and welcome other children that do not have a place to call home into our home to love them, care for them, buy them clothes and teach them about Jesus. Sometimes though? It's hard to keep those thoughts in the forefront. This guilt, this "mom guilt", is crippling.

But he said to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I will delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor. 12:9&10)

His grace is sufficient. His grace is waiting for me in the morning when I wake up in a dark house to the sounds of the ones I love sleeping peacefully around me. His grace is there when I softly kiss my sleeping baby good-bye for the day. His grace is there as I drive to work wishing I could have more time with my girl. His grace reminds me that this life, this crazy wonderful journey is a long winding road of figuring out how get better at trusting Him. "Trusting that the God who built our kids will parent them in our absence, will grow them in courage, and teach them over time that this is what love looks like. Gritty, committed, and determined to do what is necessary."*

And drenched in grace, friends. Drenched in grace.  

*(taken from this amazing blog)

Summer Adventures (photo dump)

I'm home sick with hand foot and mouth that Ruby lovingly passed onto me after catching it at daycare. I swear, our family cannot get a break in the sickness department. So, what better thing to do than update the very neglected blog....

SUMMER ADVENTURES!

We had a really, really great summer. I don't think I can stress enough how grateful I am to have had the chance to spend 6 weeks with my girl. Even if we did absolutely nothing it would have been fabulous, but, we did have a few adventures. 

We started out the summer with a visit from Andrew's parents. Ruby got extra spoiled when Dano and DD bought her a new swing/play set for our backyard. Ruby LOVES to swing, and we have used it almost every day since it's been set up (which was quite the labor of love, I might add). 

Before summer break technically began, it was already summer, so that's why I'm counting our fun trip to Alabama! I took off work early on a Thursday afternoon and we jumped in the car and made the 3 hour drive to Gulf Shores. We had a great time celebrating our friend's marriage (Andrew did the ceremony....and did a wonderful job!), and got to spend a little time at the beach. Ruby LOVED playing on the hotel bed, but wasn't a huge fan of the beach. The waves freaked her out, and she wasn't crazy about the feeling of sand between her toes. Her favorite part was waving to people while we dried off at the gazebo...crazy girl!

We then celebrated Andrew's first Father's Day (with a baby outside of the womb), and we actually had TWO kiddos. Our sweet foster-son T helped us celebrate how great of a daddy Andrew is. We're so lucky that he's ours. 

 Ruby and I took a whirlwind trip to Texas right after I got out of school for my Grandad's 80th birthday and my cousin's baby shower. We saw a lot of people and had a lot of fun, but missed Andrew way too much!

The rest of our summer was spent at home, in humid, sticky, hot New Orleans. We received the placement call about T while we were in Alabama, and he came to live with us the day after we got back. We had such a sweet summer with him, and fell in love with him so hard. Andrew text me about 30 minutes after he arrived (I was still at work) "this one is going to be rough...", but he actually ended up being the sweetest, funniest, most adorable 3 year old boy there ever was. 

We had a really fun fourth of July. Our friends came over, we grilled hotdogs and ate way too many chips. We tried to catch the firework show over the Mississippi (does anyone else still have to spell out m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p-i  in your head when typing Mississippi?? Hopefully I'm not the only one) River, but there was a wreck on the interstate and we weren't able to park in time. We saw bits and pieces of the show from the car, and rolled down the windows while we were driving to be able to hear the fireworks, which was basically the coolest thing in the world to T.  He stretched his neck as far as he could to see out the window and watched with amazement. I loved getting to experience that with him, his face was absolutely priceless. Ruby slept the entire time, even through T screaming "oooohh that's a BIG one!!" 

We spent a lot of time this summer playing at home in our pjs, going to the zoo, aquarium and park, and watched a few too many episodes of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. 

T went back to be with his family after about 2 months with us. It was heart-wrenching, even more so than seeing Bug (our first placement) go. T was very sad to leave us, and driving away without him in our backseat was enough to make this mama bawl. We are hopeful for a continued relationship with him, even though we aren't really sure what that means for us yet. We're giving him and his family some time and space to adjust to being together again, and will hopefully get to see him sometime this month. 

So, there you have it. Our summer in a nutshell. It's fun to look back on it (at least the parts I decided to capture). Now that I'm back at work it's especially meaningful to remember all the sweet times I was able to have with the babies this summer. 

Our First Placement

We got the call that we have been eagerly waiting for on Thursday afternoon. The voice on the other end told me a brief story about a two year old boy who was removed from his home for neglect. A few hours later, Andrew and I were rushing around trying to prepare for this little life that would soon be joining ours. We saw the minivan pull into our driveway and went out to greet him with Ruby bouncing and sucking on a frozen peach on my hip. Out of the van pops a little boy with straight blonde hair and pretty blue eyes.

He was visibly scared a confused, and had just been awaken from his nap in the car. The social worker walked inside with us and gave us some paperwork to sign, then left as quickly as she had come. Suddenly, our lives had changed. I looked at Andrew and said "we have two kids", he came back with "TADA!".

Turns out that the little guy (we'll call him Bug here....mostly because I was calling him Bud one day and he turned to me with a concerned face "BUG??") was 3, not 2. He was tall, his sweet little face was covered in dirt,and his fingernails long with black dirt underneath them. We talk some about trucks, and show him his room with his big boy bed and stuffed animals waiting for him. That night was rough for all of us. He cried a lot, and we did a lot of comforting. We all fell in love.

Fast forward 5 days later. He's constantly hugging us, asking for "kiss" and saying "I lub you". We have little games we play, and things we say, like when we buckle him in his car seat "Bug has 1 leg" and he corrects us "NO! TWO LEG!", ect.. He's apart of us already. He calls Ruby "bebe" and Banjo "puppy". He is enamored with them and constantly says "look at that bebe!" "look at that puppy!!". He loves "gofish" and says ouch in the cutest way possible "OUSH". He loves bath-time, in fact when we got home from a BBQ at a friend's house last night the first thing he said was "BATH? Take a bath?!". We were told he didn't have running water at his house, so I'm sure he was just so excited to be ABLE to take a bath. He makes us laugh and smile, and truly has brought our house so much joy. He's affectionate and lapping up the love that we are dishing out. We've committed our hearts to loving this little guy 100%, no matter what.

I got a call this morning shortly after getting to work from his social worker, she told me that Bug had court and had to be there in an hour. She apologized for the late notice, and said that someone would be picking him up in 30 minutes. A million things ran through my mind. I'm mostly worried about how today will go for him, I know he's scared and confused in yet another new, unfamiliar place. I hope they have toys for him to play with, and that someone nice and patient is watching him. I wish I could be there to tell him that everything is okay, and make sure he knows how much we love him. I'm letting my thoughts run on, and think about if the judge says he can go home today. We wont even get to hug and kiss him goodbye, or tell him one more time that he is SO loved. My eyes keep welling up with tears and I keep pushing them back down.

I take a deep breath and remember who is in control. I remember that God has already written Bug's story, and that He will never leave or forsake Bug. "I will never leave you, or forsake you. Know that I am with you, you will never be alone" are words to a sweet song that I would lightly sing to Bug when he was nervous about going to bed. Those words are ringing in my ears today, I need them too, I need to know that Bug will never be alone, even if we can't be with him.

I guess going into foster care, I didn't anticipate loving as much as I do. I mean, I knew we were going to be committed to loving the kids that came into our home (for however brief or long-term), but I guess I'm just surprised that I love THIS much. I guess we wouldn't be doing it right if we didn't love Bug as much as we do. We are 100% in, and loving at 100% as well. I think (and hope) that Bug felt that.

I don't know what will happen today with Bug. This morning when I hugged him tight and kissed his sweet little face over and over again might have been the last time I will ever see him. That's surreal to me. To love someone so hard for such a short amount of time and then never see them again? It's a strange feeling. It's a feeling that I'm willing to embrace, though. I know we are going to grieve when Bug leaves us, but I also know our hearts are capable of so much more love. I'm excited to see where God takes us, and who he brings to us to love.

We're in this 100%.

Saturday in the Park

Who is singing that song now? 

I am. 

In fact, I just pulled it up on youtube to listen to while I type this...Chicago had some rad hair and beards. 

We had a nice (& hot) Saturday in the park that is close to our house on Saturday. We went with the intention of feeding the ducks. Unfortunately, I don't think we were the first ones with that idea so the ducks already had full bellies and were not interested in our bread.

We still had fun though! We let Banjo run around the dog park and meet some new friends, walked around and looked at the water and sleeping ducks, and then ended the trip with our first snow-ball of the summer. We let Ruby have a taste and she LOVED it. She was bouncing up and down grunting for more. 

We love weekends! 

"Hi Dada!"

More interested in eating the bread than feeding it to the ducks 

Hot dog! 

Sweet, happy girl

The boys

YUM!

A New Chapter

I mentioned a few posts back that I might have some exciting news to share soon.
It's true.
About a week ago I accepted a new job as a school nurse! I am incredibly excited about this opportunity, I really cannot wait to get started! I gave my two week notice this past Monday, which means my last day at my current job will be this Friday. It's bittersweet, as most new chapters in life are. I have built so many meaningful relationships and learned so much at Emeritus. It will always hold a special place in my heart, and I will definitely be going back at least monthly to visit my sweet residents who are so very special to me. While it's hard to leave, I also know that I am going to love my new job. I am so excited to get to work with kids, and get more time with my Ruby girl. I'm thankful for the blessing of change, even though it can be hard.
We've been casually looking at houses, which is pretty fun! It's so fun to walk through places and imagine our family growing there, as well as imagining what history the walls of all those rooms hold. We keep going back and forth on "are we really ready for this?", which most likely means we're not. It's still fun to dream, nonetheless. Ruby likes looking at houses, too. Our real estate agent keeps telling us that she is the best house hunting baby she's ever met. She enjoys testing the acoustics in the houses by squealing in each room.
We had our final home visit for our (never-ending) foster care certification (we started in November 2011). Our case-worker said that she thinks that we should be certified by the second week of April. We definitely aren't holding our breath, seeing as though it could take much longer, but are hopeful and excited for that change as well!
Andrew has some neat and exciting things going on at his job as well. He moved into a new office where Ruby loves to visit and help him send emails. Andrew is still enjoying his ministry with our boys, and is starting to work on connecting them with families in our church. It's neat to see his ministry grow and change, and I feel grateful to get to be apart of it.

So, there you have it. That's all of our news in a nutshell.

And here are some Ruby pictures for those of you who come to this blog strictly for that reason.

Life List

I started a word document named "Life List" my freshman year of college. I was going through some pretty dramatic changes in my life (as most people do their first year of college), and wanted to write down some of my dreams, goals, and hopes for the rest of my life. Since making that list I have opened it a few times to mark things off and maybe add a few more things. It's funny, because I have changed SO much since then, but I have never taken one thing off the list, just added things to it.
I'm sharing it for fun, because I like thinking about the possibility of all of these things happening.
I smile when I read this list, because I would have never guessed the direction my life would go when I wrote it almost 6 years ago. I don't think I EVER dreamt of crossing of "meet and marry my best friend" and "become a mom" so early in life. Even though this list contains many, many things that might never happen for me; it teaches me to not even think about that they might never happen, because heck, they COULD! I love that.

Swim with dolphins in the ocean

Become a mom

Eat pizza in Italy                                                                                                                  Graduate College

Become foster parents

Adopt a child from foster-care

Dance in a flash-mob

Zip-line through a rainforest

Pay off my student loans as quick as possible

Go on a last minute cruise

Take my kids to concerts

Travel cheaply, and stay in hostels

Adopt a puppy/dog from a shelter

Read the bible cover to cover multiple times

Go to Wrigley Field with my husband

Meet and marry my best friend.

Get backstage passes to a concert

See the Grand Canyon

Have a kitchen with big black and white tile (and teal black-splash…)

Tile a black-splash in our kitchen myself

Go to Hawaii

Teach my dog to play frisbee

Teach my dog to be a therapy dog, and take him/her to hospitals and nursing homes

Stand under the Eiffel tower

Go back to Big Bend with my cousins (my cousins and I went every summer with my grandparents when we were kids)

Have a garden in our backyard and grow our own food

Backpack Europe with our future kids

Whale watch

Have family traditions that our kids love and look forward to

Drive a VW van (this has been a dream of mine since I was in elementary school)

Find the Emmylou Harris Wreaking Ball album on vinyl and give it to Andrew as a present

Have an open shower with more than one showerhead

Make clothes for my kids

Go to a floating lanterns festival

Go skiing with my husband

Find a job that I love AND get to help people at every single day

Live somewhere outside the US for a year, or more

Run a marathon, or a half marathon. I would be happy with either (so, realistically, half.)

See Over the Rhine live

Go to Africa and work in a clinic

Be a stay at home mom when my kids are little ones

Learn Spanish

Meet Oprah

Live close to an ocean

Pay for my kids’ college

Visit my cousins in Boston

Give someone a scholarship for college

Don’t eat sugar for a month

Live on enough land to have a horse or two

Try to surf

Actually learn to surf

Read all the books on our bookshelf (quite a task, I assure you)

Feel confident in a swimsuit

Dye my hair

Learn how to deliver babies and become a midwife

Deliver babies in a third world country

Go to New York and find Central Perk (the coffee shop from Friends) (not sure if it actually exists so this one might be impossible)

Cook dinner every night for a month

Be a mom my kids want to stay in contact with

Have a picnic at the park in Belton where my husband proposed

Learn to salsa dance/ballroom dance

Watch our Bunny Friend boys graduate high school. 

Get a Masters Degree

Own a house with a big front porch

Sit on said front porch rocking on our babies in rocking chairs

Host a foreign exchange student

Learn to play the piano

Get a tattoo

Train for a triathlon

Raise chickens for fresh eggs 

Half a Year

Half a year ago around 2am, just two short hours after meeting your beautiful self for the first time, I got wheeled into a cold and tiny postpartum hospital room. 

Exhausted from the journey we just took together, your dad fell asleep quickly on the fold out chair contraption that was his bed for the next 2 nights. 

I laid in the bed cold and hurting, longing to hold you again. 

The nurse brought you in, you were swaddled tightly and were warm when she handed you to me. She told me how beautiful you were and that you were strong and healthy. We shared a little laugh about how the nursery was crowded and all the babies were crying. The nurse said that when she looked over at you in your bassinet you were just laying there with your eyes big and open, blinking slowly, taking it all in. My girl. 

She left and turned the lights off saying "please call when you decide you want some rest, I'll come back and get her from you....congratulations." 

I smiled and nodded, sat up in bed and undid your tight swaddle so I could study your sweet, tiny body. 

Your skin was still wrinkly from swimming around in my belly for almost 10 months, your lips pink and soft, and your hair still a little wet from the bath the nurse gave you in the nursery. 

You let out a soft, squeaky cry, probably slightly perturbed that I just released you from your tight, comfy cocoon. I unbuttoned my hospital gown at the top and slipped you in to be closer to where you came from. I felt you relax, all 6 pounds of you on my chest. I took a deep breath and relaxed my body just like you had just done. 

You were here. My girl. 

My heart would never be the same. 

I held you that way for over an hour, staring down at your beautiful profile. I don't really remember what I was thinking about during these precious moments. I mostly just remember being silent, breathing you in and stroking your fuzzy hair and soft skin. 

Once you started to stir, I fed you, and you quickly went back to sleep. We cuddled until the sun came up. I don't think I took my eyes off of you once. 

The doctor came in early and your dad woke up. I handed you over to him and you drew him in just like you had done to me. 

You have a way of doing that to us, Ruby. A way of stealing our hearts and making us feel like we have loved you all our lives, whether it's been 6 hours or 6 months. It feels like you have always been right here in our hearts. 

I'm thankful for those quiet, still moments we got to spend together 6 months ago. I will never forget those first moments of getting to know you, my darling girl. 

You are so very precious to us. 

Happy Half Birthday, Ruby. 

I love you, 

Mama