What I've learned so far

Being a mom is so much harder than I thought it would be.
It is also so much more wonderful than I thought it would be.
Loving someone so deeply and being 100% responsible for their well-being is completely overwhelming.
I worry too much.
I worry that I'm doing something wrong. I worry that she's sick if she barely sniffles. I worry that she has reflux when she barfs up entire meals all over the couch and me. Worry, worry, worry.
Late one night when we were evacuated in Lake Charles, Ruby was having a melt down while I was trying to feed her. I was exhausted and at my wits' end. I broke down and cried out (quite literally) to the Lord asking him to take Ruby in his hands, cover her and protect her; but mostly I begged that he would help me trust Him and give Ruby to Him. As a mother I know that was just the first of many, many times I'll have to ask that. It's so hard sometimes when things are so uncertain, new, and scary to trust that He is in control. Motherhood is teaching me a whole new meaning of dependance on God.
I'm learning to trust in a whole new way.
I marvel at how God created Ruby so perfect for us. Even though these first 3 weeks (almost a MONTH...how is that even possible?!) have been some of the hardest in our lives they have also been the most rewarding and happy. Having a child and becoming a mom sheds light on a love so beyond anything I have ever felt before. I've fallen even more in love with Andrew getting to watch him be such a wonderful father and love our daughter so well.
Watching this little life begin to unfold is a miracle and I'm so very grateful to be able to be apart of this story that God has written for us.

"wait, you're telling me you and mom have NO IDEA what you're doing?!"

The Birth Story

Here is the story of how our precious Ruby came into the world. (It is long and includes the words cervix and placenta. If that makes you uncomfortable, maybe skip to the pictures at the end).
I've debated on whether or not to write it out on the blog, mostly because I'm not sure how many people really want to read about me giving birth, but then I remembered how I loved reading birth stories when I was pregnant, and also how I'm sure these memories that are so fresh and new will soon start to fade. Although I know I will never forget the moments that led up to our daughter coming into the world, I think it will be really neat to have the story written out to refresh my memory and hopefully share with her someday if she wants to know.
As many of you know, my labor technically began almost 2 weeks prior to Ruby's birthday. I began having stronger, more regular contractions on Wednesday the 22nd. I was timing them and they were regular but still not "toe curling" like my doctor had described to me. I  went to bed that night hopeful that labor was right around the corner. I woke up around 3am, surprised that I had slept so well for almost 4 hours. I decided to get up and walk around a little and noticed that my contractions had stopped. I was bummed to say the least and went back to bed feeling dejected and convinced that I would indeed be the first person to be pregnant forever.
The next day after sleeping until 11am (SO grateful for this now), I had let go of any expectations about when I was going to go into labor and had decided to enjoy a relaxing day at home. I took the pup on a long walk, went to target, the mall, and got a chick-fil-a lemonade. Around 3 that afternoon I started having consistent contractions again, I kind of ignored them for a while, chalking it up to the same thing that had been happening for days and days. Andrew got home around 4 and I mentioned it to him in a nonchalant way. Around 5:30 he was getting ready to go to the boy's football practice when I said to him "maybe you shouldn't go..." my contractions were getting a little harder to work through. Not even 15 minutes later I felt like I was about to pass out from the pain..."we need to get ready to go to the hospital". It was POURING DOWN rain, I mean, flooding in our backyard and street kind of rain. I laughed at Ruby's timing. Andrew did great, I told him not to rush and to drive safe, to which he replied that he couldn't rush even if he wanted to because of the weather. He avoided the major pot-holes on the way and got us there in under 20 minutes. I thought I could walk from the parking garage to labor and delivery. I ended up needing to make several stops along the way to breathe through the contractions, but we made it there.
The labor floor was so busy. Nurses were running around like crazy and the lady at the desk that was supposed to check me in ignored us for what felt like a good 5 minutes. I was leaning up against the counter huffing and puffing thinking "I seriously might have this child right here at this desk". Finally the charge nurse saw me and I think realized that I was in real labor, and took me into labor room one (the one big, beautiful rooms with big windows and the hydrotherapy tub, which is what I was really hoping for). She told me how busy they were and that she, or another nurse would be back in shortly. My doctor was already on the floor and said she saw Andrew's hair from down the hall so came to check out what was going on. She checked me and told me I was almost 8 cm dilated and that it was time to "get this show on the road". Because I was strep b positive I had to receive a dose of IV antibiotics before my water broke. The nurse came in and got that started and hooked me up to be monitored for 15 minutes. Ruby was looking great, so we got the go-ahead to get into the hydrotherapy tub. Oh my goodness, I cannot even say how much of a relief it was to get into the water. Don't get me wrong, it still hurt like no other pain I've ever experienced, but being in the hot water and feeling weightless was just amazing. About 3 hours after getting into the tub my doctor came back to check me again. I was almost at 9cm at that point, but my water still hadn't broken. My doctor then gave me the option for her to break my water or just labor and wait for it break. I was terrified how much harder breaking my water was going to make my labor and contractions, but knew that eventually I was going to feel that pain regardless if it happened with or without intervention, so I went ahead and asked her to break it. About 2 hours later (I'm still in the tub at this point), I asked Andrew to call the nurse in because I felt like I really needed to push. She came in and helped me out of the tub and into the bed to check me. I was still at 9cm, but she said the only thing that was keeping Ruby in was a small amount of cervix that still hadn't thinned out completely. Ruby's head was pressing more on the left side and because of that wasn't thinning out the entire cervix. She had me turn on my side and rock back and forth through the next 5-6 contractions. This was by far the most intense contractions I had throughout the entire labor. I was completely swallowed by the pain. All I could do was grab on the side of the bed and breathe and moan. I think this is when I said to Andrew "I cannot do this!!!" I also vaguely remember slapping myself in the face a few times....strange! Ha. My amazing nurse was rubbing my back and speaking encouragement through that whole transition phase, I look back and am so grateful that the Lord blessed me with a soft spoken, laid back nurse who just let me deal with the pain on my own without trying too hard to comfort me. It was exactly what I needed, to just get in my zone and deal with it by myself.
She checked me after those contractions and I was ready to push.
The nurse went to get my doctor and while she was gone I started pushing on my own. It felt so good to push through the pain of the contractions. When my doctor arrived she helped me out by showing me where to focus the push, and stretched me out a little while I was pushing. She was such a great encouragement through the whole thing...we really were blessed to have such an amazing doctor and nurse by our sides during the whole experience. Andrew was also so supportive and encouraging during the entire process, he kept reminding me to breathe and telling me that I was doing such a good job.
I started pushing at 11:30. I remember looking at the clock and wondering if Ruby would be born on the 23rd or the 24th. 35 minutes later, our beautiful girl made her grand entrance after some of the craziest pain ever. I don't think anyone can fully describe what it feels like to have a babies head partially inside of you and partially outside of you. The fact that I had to wait for the next contraction to push her head out once she was already crowning was just completely insane to me. My doctor kept saying "just breathe, she'll be here soon...just breathe, breathe, breathe" and I can remember saying "okay, *breath*, okay, *breath*, okay" over and over again. Finally I felt the next contraction coming and I pushed her head out. My doctor told me to reach down and pull her out, so I did. Andrew told me later that seeing the instant switch in my emotions from agony to pure joy was so neat. I don't remember even caring about the pain anymore, I just remember saying "hi baby girl, hi Ruby!" over and over again and feeling more love in my heart than ever before.
I looked up at Andrew who was laughing and staring down at us, he leaned down and kissed me and I felt so complete. Our girl was finally in our arms, and I cannot even begin to describe how amazing it felt.
They took Ruby to get cleaned up and suctioned out because she was having just a little trouble catching her breath. Andrew stayed with me, but I said "go with the girl! and take your camera!" I'm glad he did, because these are the only pictures we got right after the delivery.

First family photo

It's hard to believe how much my sweet, wrinkly little newborn has changed in just 2 and a half weeks! 

Precious Ruby, 

There really aren't words to describe how happy your dad and I are to finally have you here with us. Your birth was truly an experience that I will never forget. The moment I became a mom, your mom, will be forever etched in my heart as one of the most special, remarkable, and meaningful moments in my life. Our love for you is one that neither one of us can fully explain, because it is just that big and marvelous. You've stolen our hearts, and we will never get them back. That's just how we want it to be too. Thank you for making us parents, and for being easy on us when we have absolutely no idea what we are doing. You're gracious already, and I'm grateful for that. I'm excited that we get to experience life with you and so thankful that we get to spend the rest of life loving you. 

To the moon and back ten thousand times, 

Mom

Meet our girl...

We are blessed and so in love. 

I'll be back later with the story of how she came into the world. 

Love, 

Allye 

Insta-Friday

Helllooo from the land of I'm Still Pregnant!

Here's a few instagram pictures of Banjo, because let's be honest, until I have this kid I'm just going to keep taking cute pictures of my dog. It's therapy.

His "I'm too tired to lift my head and look at you" look.  

Waiting for Andrew to get back home. Pathetic. 

Such a helpful little guy. If only he could actually clean with it. 

Cutest little sweater at old navy. I told Ruby she could have it if she's born...seems fair to me.

While explaining my story for the thousandth time at work yesterday, a home health nurse said "well, maybe you'll have her on labor day...wouldn't that be cool? To be in LABOR on LABOR day?! hahahahahaha!" I was not amused. The thought literally makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry.

We shall see!

I hope you all have a lovely weekend! 

That time I thought I was having a baby

This is the long, drawn out story of our dramatic weekend. Spoiler alert: it does not end with us having a baby...read on if you wish. 

Two things I have learned in the past few days:

1. My daughter is stubborn and has a will of her own at the ripe old age of ZERO

2. Labor is unpredictable and strange and can mean many different things for different people. 

On Saturday evening around 7pm I started having consistent contractions. At first I was pretty unphased by the whole thing because I had been having contractions on and off for the past few days. I started timing them around 7:30, and they were about 3-4 minutes apart. I was shocked and told Andrew that I think it might be time, but lets wait another hour and see what happens. An hour later I was still having them, some were even 2 minutes apart. I wanted to wait a little longer though to make sure this was the real deal. Around 10:30 after laying in bed for a little while I got up and started packing the things that I hadn't been able to pack before (pillows, make-up, hairdryer, etc.) and told Andrew that I think we should start getting ready. Cue husband FREAKING OUT, running around, sweating, calling people to make sure Sunday school would be taken care of. Poor guy. I reminded him that it was going to be okay, and he chilled a bit, or at least pretended to. 

We got to the hospital and went straight into an observation room where they hooked me up to the monitor and checked me. I was 3 cm dilated and still 75% effaced. Some progress from Wednesday, but not enough for them to admit me to the hospital. After a few hours of walking around, the on call doctor came to see me, checked me again (hadn't changed), and told me that he would like to observe me for another hour or two before sending me home because he doesn't want the labor to progress rapidly once we get home and us not know it. We paced the halls for another hour or two (a very fun activity at 3am!) and then the nurse checked me again. I had dilated to a 4, so they decided to admit me. They got me started on the IV antibiotics for strep b, and Andrew got some sleep. Meanwhile, I laid in bed and cried thinking about how scared I was about all of this, mostly becoming a parent. 

Around 6:30am the nurse came in and checked me again. Still at a 4, the doctor decided that he wanted to give me pitocin. I was disappointed because I had heard/read about how awful pitocin makes labor and just saw it as ruining my desire to have a natural labor. It didn't help that the anesthesiologist came in about an hour later and said "you ready for your epidural yet?" when I replied no, that I was wanting to try to do this naturally, he kind of chuckled and said "this is your first baby, isn't it?" I nodded and he said "just wait until that pitocin kicks in..." Well, it kicked in and my contractions got strong, and very close together. After about 6 hours of this (around 1ish), the doctor that I had seen the night before came to check me. I was still a 4...well, technically 4.75, but STILL. 

Dang it. How is that possible?? I had been laboring for a good 14 hours and only made this much progress. 

This is when the doctor gave me the different game plan options. 

-Break my water, up the pitocin and get this show on the road. 

-Up the pitocin and see what happens. 

-Stop everything, go home, and see what happens.

We chose the last one. After 17 hours in the hospital I left with nothing but a wrist full of hospital bracelets, an IV wound, and a severe need for sleep.

I was already a bit uncomfortable with trying to force Ruby to come out on our terms, so I decided that even though I would LOVE to meet my daughter, I want her to come as much on her own as she can.

We came home and the contractions slowed down quite a bit. Since we've been home I have had hours that my contractions have been steady and strong, and then lulls where I wont feel one for hours. I was so frustrated for a while about the whole ordeal because I had gotten myself (and everyone else) so psyched up about this baby being here, and she's still inside of me! 

We went back to the doctor today. I haven't progressed anymore, which was not that surprising to me to be honest. I needed some answers though, and I needed to hear them from my regular doctor (who was in New York this weekend). She said that while it's not in the textbooks, labor can actually be a long drawn out process that can take weeks. While this isn't common, I am one of the lucky (or unlucky...still not sure) ones that have this drawn-out labor process. My body is slowly dilating, and Ruby is slowly going to make her appearance. The one good thing about this? Most likely my "active" labor will be shorter and less intense because I will already be so far dilated once it starts. My doctor said that her gut tells her that I'll still be pregnant next week. We'll see. Either way, today I found some peace about all of it. I felt like we were doing the right thing, and that it's OKAY that Ruby wants to stay inside for a little longer. Contentment set in and I came home, snuggled with Banjo, and cleaned my toilets. 

So there, that's the story of the time I thought I was having a baby. 

The kicker is that I actually am having a baby, just not the way it happens for most people. 

I'm assuming life as usual tomorrow, returning to work, and hoping to get some much needed rest and relaxation in before our lives turn upside down. 

If you made it through all of that, I applaud you. 

She's coming...

...sometime soon!

Our appointment on Wednesday was an exciting one! The doc said that Ruby turned and is now head down and engaged (I figured so with all the pressure I've been feeling), I'm 1.5 cm dilated and 75% effaced. Things are happening and she is on her way into the world! I guess Andrew and I just figured she would be stubborn and stay put for a while longer, because when the doctor walked out of the room we both just sat there staring at each other like "oh my gosh, this is really going to happen". It could be today, or a week from now. I'm pretty excited, nervous, and anxious about labor. I know the end result no matter how it all happens will be having my sweet baby in my arms, so that makes it easy to get SO excited. However, it's still pretty scary. I've been reading like crazy since Wednesday about relaxation techniques, breathing exercises, and other ways to help me get through a natural childbirth. I feel a bit unprepared since Andrew and I didn't take any classes, but I just keep telling myself that women have done this for centuries without drugs, classes, and google at their fingertips. I've been encouraged by several friends who have done it, and feel confident about my decision to give it a try.

Since it is Friday, and I'm blogging already I might as well share my instagram pictures from the week! I haven't been doing a very good job at remembering insta-friday!

Enjoying his last day as a "man".

The day after his surgery. Poor boy was sad. 

Part of Ruby's adorable room. I can't wait to share more when it's finished! 

My sweet co-workers threw me a surprise shower at work! SO sweet. 

Meghan and Christi visited from Texas. We had a great time showing them our favorite NOLA spots. 

Pooped from a day playing volleyball out in the heat. 

I had to go to Baton Rouge for work this last week. The best part? Chipotle! 

Our bad little puppy chewed yet another one of my apple products.  He hasn't chewed any other things in this house except 2 computer chargers and my phone charger. Ridiculous. 

Found these adorable little shoes at a thrift store for 95 cents this week! So excited about dressing Ruby in them. 

How crazy it is that this might be my last blog post before we're parents?! Pretty crazy, I agree.

We'll let you know when she's here!

Week 38

I just got finished asking Andrew "can you believe that in 2 weeks our daughter will be right here with us in the living room?". He said no that he couldn't believe it, and honestly, no matter how long this pregnancy has felt, I can't either. I suppose that in 2 weeks she could possibly still be hangin' out in her comfy little uterus home, but it definitely shouldn't be too much longer than that until we meet her. 

I'm slowing down quite a bit. My energy is lacking and I'm having a lot more little aches and pains than before. Braxton hicks ("practice") contractions are happening on a daily basis now, mostly in the middle of the night when I already can't sleep. You know how when your baby is about to be born and everyone says "you better get rested up! save up on your sleep!"? This is terrible advice. For one, you can't "save" sleep. You're going to be tired with a newborn. Period. Also, if saving sleep was even possible, I would be failing miserably. I am SO uncomfortable at night. I usually am awake from around 2:30am until around 4 or so with tons of tossing and turning before and after that. I just take it as God preparing my body for sleep deprivation by starting to deprive me now! Helpful, I guess. 

People at work are starting to make comments like "OH WOW! You're STILL here?!?", "Poor thing. When are you going on maternity leave?" and "My goodness! When is that baby coming?" I'm clearly looking amazing and refreshed every day. Ha...not! All of my residents are so excited and remind me every day that I have to bring her to see them ASAP. 

We have another appointment tomorrow morning so I will have a more accurate update then, but last Wednesday Ruby was still VERY comfortable in Fort Uterus. She was floating around up high and also had her head pointing straight into my right rib cage. No effacement or dilation. I was a little disappointed at the time, but have gotten over it since then. I'm trying to cherish this time when it's still just Andrew and I. I've been enjoying our quiet dinners out together so much more than ever before and soaking up the lazy evenings we get to share. I love my husband so much, and I know adding our little girl to the mix will only up the love quota in our house, but these last couple of weeks of just us is so special and important. 

I really don't think my belly can stretch any bigger. My skin is so tight and itchy and full of lovely stretch marks. Here's a picture from this evening. In case you are wondering, no I don't ever take off these sweat pants. They are my best friend. 

Sweet Ruby, 

Mom and Dad cannot wait to see your beautiful face! Your room is almost done! We have your crib ready for you, and almost all of your pretty little decorations up. It's a great room, I like it better than mine and Dad's. I love sitting in the rocking chair and day dreaming of rocking you in there. I think you're going to like it. Darling girl, we love you so, so much and really cannot wait to hug and kiss you. Come whenever you're ready because we're ready and waiting. 

Love you to the moon and back, 

Mama