Ramblings of a Foster Mom

We're preparing for some big transitions in the Crosby house in the next couple of months. It's becoming enough to make my head spin, and I've just got to write some things down.
Our foster sons, J & J, who have been with us since September (going on 8 months), are moving at the beginning of May to an adoptive home.
Where? We don't know.
Things are very complicated, and at this point all that we know is that we are not meant to adopt them, and they need to be with a family that will be there for them forever. Coming to that conclusion was not an easy task, but it is one that we feel at peace about. These boys have been through more than any 3 & 5 year old should ever have to go through, and it shows. They are exhausting. They kick, scream, punch, and melt down at the drop of a hat, without explanation. They are HARD. We love them, but they are hard. These past 8 months have tried me in ways I don't even want to admit. I wish I could say that I've been the loving, caring, picturesque foster mom throughout this entire journey with them, but to be honest, there were days where all I wanted was for them to be gone. They push my buttons like nothing else.
They are also two of the kindest little boys you've ever met. They love Ruby and try to take such good care of her. They love to dance, and have got some seriously amazing moves. They have the cutest, deepest dimples and the sweetest brown eyes that light up at the most simple things. They make us laugh and smile and have brought so much joy to our lives the past 8 months  We love them deeply.
When people ask whats next for the boys, I struggle to find the words because there's a small part of me that feels like we are failing them by not choosing to adopt them. People say things like "Oh, if I could adopt them, I would do it in a heartbeat!!" or "they are so sweet...who wouldn't want to adopt them?" and even though I know their intentions aren't to be completely insulting I want to spit back at them "Oh really? Then by all means, here is their social worker's number! Please give her a call and lets get this show on the road, because they are READY for a forever home...like yesterday." But I nod and smile instead and keep those things in my head because really, people just don't get it. Until you have walked this strange road of foster care, you just cannot get it. It's not normal at all, and I don't expect anyone to understand. I can't explain fully why we aren't adopting them because there aren't really any reasons. It's not because they are hard kids, it's not because I've been punched in the face multiple times in the past month, it's not because everything in our house has been either chewed on or peed on, it's not because they have deep lingering issues that will take years, if not a lifetime to work through, it's just not what is right for our family right now. I don't expect people to understand that explanation, it's extremely vague and I'm sure if I was on the other side asking someone why they wouldn't want to adopt two precious, curly headed boys that look like they could be my own sons I probably wouldn't understand either.
It's not normal.
The crazy part of all of this is that we are going to hurt from this choice. It is going to hurt so badly to say goodbye to these boys. We truly love them. Ruby loves them. We're going to need prayer and support when they leave because a piece of our hearts will be leaving with them, it's going to be so very, very sad. But yet, it's the right thing to do. How incredibly confusing is that? I don't believe that we were made to make these types of decisions or feel these types of emotions, it's so unnatural. Here we are though, the decision has been made and while it's heartbreaking and painful, it's strangely what we know is right.
We have to trust that what we tell them every night at bed, that God loves them more than they will ever know and He has a special plan (or 'pecial pan as lil J says) for their lives, is true. We have to trust that we are making the right decision not only for our lives, but theirs as well. It's not something we take lightly.
You might be wondering why I'm telling you all of this. Mostly, to get it off of my chest because sometimes it just feels good to type my thoughts. But also because I want you to know that if you happen know someone who is having to make similar difficult decisions, please support them. Be ready to listen to them ramble on about all of the conflicting thoughts and emotions that come with these types of decisions, and be ready to not judge. It's going to be hard because you're looking in from the outside and all you see are precious children who need a family, and believe me, your friend wants nothing more than for those kids to find their forever family...it's just might not be them. It's weird and confusing and you're probably not going to understand. Instead of trying to understand, just love them and love their kids. Have their backs and let them know that they are supported.
We have an amazing support system. I have friends that have listened to me go on and on about this situation and have loved us ALL so well through these past 8 months. I've gone to dinner with fellow foster families that have made this exact decision and knowing that we're not the only ones was such a relief. Having people to listen and not judge has been an amazing blessing. I know that not everyone has that, and if this helps just one person be that support system for another foster family making these types of decisions, I'll consider it a success.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." -Proverbs 3:5-6

Foster Care Q&A

We get questions all the time about foster care. Recently a friend of mine wrote a post about her and her husband's journey in foster care, and while I realize that I have shared bits and pieces here and there about certain placements, I haven't really talked much about it here. It is definitely a major part of our daily lives, and could use it's own post. I'm going to try and go through some of the most frequent questions we are asked about foster care, and hopefully continue the conversation in the future.

Why did you choose to do foster care?

Several reasons. Number one, is to show the love of Jesus to children who need it more than anything else. God commands us to love the least of these, the most vulnerable. We get the opportunity to do this on a daily basis just by meeting their daily needs that most likely have not been met fully before; love, water, food, a warm bed to sleep in, constant support and a sense of stability. We started praying about it when we were newly married. We have some friends who are foster parents, and seeing them love the kids in their care was (still is) inspirational. That lit the initial fire under us, and the flame just grew and grew as we realized the depth of the need in our city (country, really!). We're doing it because it needs doing, and we are capable of doing. Andrew likes to say "we had room at our table...". There's not much that's special about it, we aren't saints or special people because we chose foster care, we aren't expert parents by any means, and we make plenty of mistakes on a daily basis. We do it because we can do it, and loving these kids brings us much more joy that we could have ever imagined.

What are the ages/gender/race of the children you take care of?
We have had kiddos ranging in age from 2 days old-8 years old, with the majority of our placements being 3 year old. You can specify in your case plan with your home development worker specifics of what kids your family is willing to take. We did specify an age range of Newborn-5 years old because of several different factors including our age, and the age of our biological child, and have accepted a placement outside of that age range only once. Just because you specify, doesn't mean that they wont call you when they need a home for a kid! We have received SEVERAL calls about teenagers, and while it's heartbreaking every single time to say no, you have to do what's best for your family. We didn't specify gender or race with DCFS, but that is something you can do if you choose to. We have mostly had all little boys (with the exception of two girls). I'm not sure why God keeps bringing these precious 3 year old little guys into our lives, but I'm definitely not complaining. We've decided that 3 year old boy placement suits our family just right. 

How do you do it? I could never do that, I would never be able to let them go!

Ah, the most frequently asked question. At first this question kind of rubbed me the wrong way, as if people were saying we are heartless, insensitive people for being able to take a child into our home and then say goodbye without ever shedding a single tear. Then I realized that people really meant this, that they really think they could never do it. It seems silly to me, because from this side, it's just normal. We love these kids with all that we have, for however long we have them, with the end goal in our mind being that they are reunited with their family. That is almost always the first goal in foster care, reunification. You have to realize that not every child that ends up in foster care comes from an irredeemable situation. A lot of times, these families are struggling and making really difficult sacrifices to get their families back together despite impossible odds. Sure, a lot of times it's not that way, and that's where it does get really sticky emotionally. I'm not going to lie, I've had the thought several times that these babies would be MUCH better off with us, but you know what? I don't get to decide that. So, we love. We love as hard as we can, and it hurts to say goodbye. I always tell myself after saying goodbye to each placement that if I am not heartbroken, then I am not doing it right. It's a pain that I dread, but in the end, it's so worth it knowing that we've loved them well and shown them what most likely was the first taste of Jesus in their lives. 

Do you want to adopt? 

Yes, we would love to adopt eventually, when the time is right. Again, with foster care, the main goal most of the time is going to be reunification. Sometimes, that doesn't work out, and the children become adoptable. We really hope to continue doing foster care for a while before adopting, but we know that our plans aren't always (or ever) how it's supposed to be. We are duel certified to foster and adopt, so if the time ever came, we would be ready, but we're not searching for it. Some people do strictly adopt through the foster care system, and it's a wonderful (cost free!) way to add a child who needs a home into your family permanently. On that same page, some foster parents strictly foster with the intention of never adopting, and some foster families that want to adopt do not adopt the first child that becomes adoptable in their care. It's a personal journey, and one that needs a lot of prayer and guidance from God. 

Do you make money doing this? 

Ha. No. We get a reimbursement check from the state monthly that covers a portion of the child's expenses. If you are caring for a foster child the right way, you almost always do not have any of this monthly payment left over. We don't follow a strict budget with our foster children, just like with Ruby, if they need something or want something (within reason), we buy it. It's hard to know exactly how much we spend vs. how much we "get paid" for, just because we're just living life over here. I don't separate their groceries from ours, or pay for their clothes on a separate check. They are ours, and it's our responsibility to provide. 

Have you thought about how this might be affecting Ruby?

Yes, of course. It is something I personally have spent many many quiet moments thinking about. It's one of those things that I know will get harder as she gets older and understands more. Right now, she's just so happy to have extra playmates in the house when we have another child in our home, and then so happy to have one on one attention when we don't, that I don't think it has really affected her. We have pictures of our past foster children on our fridge and she loves pointing to them and having me say their names. She gets excited when we see Baby P (one of our past foster placements that went to stay with another foster family in our church when I had to return to work and he was too young for daycare) at church, and loves to give him hugs. She's a lover, and she's happy to give the love and get it back from her foster brothers or sisters. I do see her picking up on a few of our current kiddos negative habits. I'm sure they aren't all to blame though, our girl just has a strong will and an attitude of her own that happens to come out in screams that mimic her foster brothers' at times. Figuring out how to parent her is going to be a journey on it's own, and we're going to have to figure out how to parent her along side foster kids as time goes on. As she gets older I hope foster care will be a great opportunity to teach her how to love deeply, and show her brothers and sisters what a Christ-like family looks like. 

What about their birth families? 

We can't really give you the full story most of the time. Mostly, because not even we know the full story, but also because it's not really anyone's business. We learn something every day about our kid's pasts that we didn't know the day before. Ultimately, I think the most important thing to remember in regards to foster children's birth families is that they are people too. Most of the time these people really do love their kids, but are in situations that are not conducive to raising children in, or have made really big mistakes that result in their children being taken away. This has been a hard concept for me to grasp, I think mostly because of where I came from, a child of an addict. I had people telling me my whole life that he didn't chose to be this way, and that it's not his fault. I gained the attitude as a teenager of "YES, he actually DID choose to be this way because he's an adult and adults make their own choices!" and have kind of stuck with that belief throughout my adulthood. It's hard to balance out the fact that these adults have made bad choices that have negatively affected their children, and the fact that they are human parents that are capable of loving and caring for their children with the correct support in place. We've learned that the best place to be is a place of wanting to understand where everyone comes from, and have one common goal: to do what's best for the kids.

How hard is it to say goodbye?
So hard. I cannot put into words how difficult it is to see a piece of your family, your heart, leave forever. There's almost always mixed emotions. Feelings of sadness and grief for yourself and your family, and feelings of excitement and anticipation for the birth family. I remember going to court for our foster son T. It was the court date that would determine whether or not he would remain in foster care. Andrew and I's stomachs were in knots the whole time sitting in the waiting room across from what we speculated was T's birth family (whom we had never met before). When the judge said her ruling (for T to return into his mother's care under the supervision of his grandmother and the court) I could feel the heat of tears behind my eyes, but then I looked up and saw his family hugging, smiling, and celebrating that they were getting their baby back. We got up, introduced ourselves, and told them how special of a little boy T is, that we love him so much and are so thankful for the opportunity to have known him. His grandma and mom hugged me tight and thanked us for all that we had done for their boy. In that moment, despite my fears for his future and my hurting heart, I was also so happy. Happy that he had so many people in his life that cared enough to be there and that were visibly excited about the fact that he was returning into their lives. Don't get me wrong, the second I got into the car I bawled like a baby. I dried it up when we got home to explain to our boy that he was going back with his family and then lost it again when he said innocently "I gotta say bye to you?". Its heart wrenching and painful no matter how happy you are for them. Thankfully, with T's situation, we have been able to remain in contact with his grandma and it has been so neat to have that continued relationship. That is definitely something I never expected of foster care, to build real, meaningful relationships with the birth families.

What can we do for you?
You can always pray for us. Pray that we would love and support these kids in every way they need it. Pray for our kids. That they would learn about Jesus and how much he loves them.
The best support system we have is in our church. Our church has several foster families that support each other, but not only do the fellow foster families offer support, our whole congregation does. We have had friends randomly bring us dinner, we have an amazing college student and her boyfriend that babysit our crazy crew and will rarely accept any payment. Anytime we have needed something (for example: and extra twin bed for a sibling group), we have gotten it the day of the request. We get hand-me-down clothes with every new placement, and all of our foster kiddos have been stylish! Our kids' Sunday School teachers pour into them, they love going to "class" and have made so many friends. Church has been a huge way of helping us build connections for our kids. They love feeling like they belong, and our church is remarkable at welcoming them with open arms. It's amazing to feel supported and loved on this journey, and it's completely necessary.We could not do it without support. 

I'm interested in learning more about becoming a foster parent! What should I do?
Awesome! Please reach out to us and feel free to ask any questions that you may have. We really do love answering your questions. You should also get in touch with someone at Crossroads NOLA, the non-profit we are apart of that is working so hard to make a difference in the lives of children in foster care in the greater New Orleans region. They can help get you connected to the right people to get you started on becoming a foster parent. 

Summer Adventures (photo dump)

I'm home sick with hand foot and mouth that Ruby lovingly passed onto me after catching it at daycare. I swear, our family cannot get a break in the sickness department. So, what better thing to do than update the very neglected blog....

SUMMER ADVENTURES!

We had a really, really great summer. I don't think I can stress enough how grateful I am to have had the chance to spend 6 weeks with my girl. Even if we did absolutely nothing it would have been fabulous, but, we did have a few adventures. 

We started out the summer with a visit from Andrew's parents. Ruby got extra spoiled when Dano and DD bought her a new swing/play set for our backyard. Ruby LOVES to swing, and we have used it almost every day since it's been set up (which was quite the labor of love, I might add). 

Before summer break technically began, it was already summer, so that's why I'm counting our fun trip to Alabama! I took off work early on a Thursday afternoon and we jumped in the car and made the 3 hour drive to Gulf Shores. We had a great time celebrating our friend's marriage (Andrew did the ceremony....and did a wonderful job!), and got to spend a little time at the beach. Ruby LOVED playing on the hotel bed, but wasn't a huge fan of the beach. The waves freaked her out, and she wasn't crazy about the feeling of sand between her toes. Her favorite part was waving to people while we dried off at the gazebo...crazy girl!

We then celebrated Andrew's first Father's Day (with a baby outside of the womb), and we actually had TWO kiddos. Our sweet foster-son T helped us celebrate how great of a daddy Andrew is. We're so lucky that he's ours. 

 Ruby and I took a whirlwind trip to Texas right after I got out of school for my Grandad's 80th birthday and my cousin's baby shower. We saw a lot of people and had a lot of fun, but missed Andrew way too much!

The rest of our summer was spent at home, in humid, sticky, hot New Orleans. We received the placement call about T while we were in Alabama, and he came to live with us the day after we got back. We had such a sweet summer with him, and fell in love with him so hard. Andrew text me about 30 minutes after he arrived (I was still at work) "this one is going to be rough...", but he actually ended up being the sweetest, funniest, most adorable 3 year old boy there ever was. 

We had a really fun fourth of July. Our friends came over, we grilled hotdogs and ate way too many chips. We tried to catch the firework show over the Mississippi (does anyone else still have to spell out m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p-i  in your head when typing Mississippi?? Hopefully I'm not the only one) River, but there was a wreck on the interstate and we weren't able to park in time. We saw bits and pieces of the show from the car, and rolled down the windows while we were driving to be able to hear the fireworks, which was basically the coolest thing in the world to T.  He stretched his neck as far as he could to see out the window and watched with amazement. I loved getting to experience that with him, his face was absolutely priceless. Ruby slept the entire time, even through T screaming "oooohh that's a BIG one!!" 

We spent a lot of time this summer playing at home in our pjs, going to the zoo, aquarium and park, and watched a few too many episodes of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. 

T went back to be with his family after about 2 months with us. It was heart-wrenching, even more so than seeing Bug (our first placement) go. T was very sad to leave us, and driving away without him in our backseat was enough to make this mama bawl. We are hopeful for a continued relationship with him, even though we aren't really sure what that means for us yet. We're giving him and his family some time and space to adjust to being together again, and will hopefully get to see him sometime this month. 

So, there you have it. Our summer in a nutshell. It's fun to look back on it (at least the parts I decided to capture). Now that I'm back at work it's especially meaningful to remember all the sweet times I was able to have with the babies this summer. 

Ruby -- Nine Months

Well, it's official. My baby has been in the world longer than she has been in my belly. It's a strange feeling considering the 9 months she was in my belly felt like the longest 9 months of my life, yet the 9 months she's been with us out in the world have been the quickest. Funny how time will do that to ya.

Ruby has rolled with the punches this past month has her little world changed drastically by adding another kiddo to the family. She loves to play, and she does that no matter who is in our house. We got close to adding a little "brother" (9 days old!!) to our family last week, but ended up deciding it wouldn't be the best for us, or her. It's difficult to pray through these placements quickly and try and decide the future for your family and these kids in 10 minutes. God has been faithful in giving us the correct answers, and we're so grateful for his peace and comfort in the times we have to say no.

Back to the girl! She's busy, busy, busy! There is not a waking moment that she's not moving around and trying to get into something. Even when she's nursing she tosses and turns and makes silly noises. She's a mess!

One thing about her that I never ever want to forget about this stage is how dang funny she is. She has little "jokes" she plays on us and it never ceases to crack us up. She will be holding something in her hand and reach it out to you like she's saying "you wanna share??" When you reach to get it and say "thank you" she will whip it back to herself and squeal like "HAHA! GOTCHA!!!". She could play this game all. day. long. She also points at everyone and smiles so big and will squeal and scream if you point back. She dances, bounces, grooves, and claps to music, singing, and praise. She really is such a fun (and funny) baby!

We're still struggling with ear infections, and colds, but it's sadly just become a norm and doesn't really even affect her mood. I've noticed that it does affect her sleeping when it's really bothering her, but other than that, she's still her happy little self.

Like I said, Ruby is crawling at full speed and is into everything. She is also pulling up onto everything and cruising around like a boss. She even climbed some steps this week at our friend's pool. She's brave, and strong and shows off all the time. She has had a few bumps and bruises from her adventure but is really a tough kid. She falls and just gets right back up to go about her adventures. Her teachers at school are amazed by how much of a little rough and tumble girl she is, and say something about it almost every time I pick her up!

I've gotten a few comments this month about Ruby thinning out (TEAR!), but she is definitely still chunkalicious (that's a word, right?)! She hadn't gained any weight since her doctors appointment right before her 8 month birthday, but had gained some length. She was 20lbs and 27 inches at her appointment putting her in the 75th % in weight, and 50th % in height. I'm sure with her new found mobility she will continue thinning out, and it makes me a little sad to see her loosing her baby fat! I hope it sticks around for a while longer.

She's still not a huge fan of eating anything other than mama's milk. She eats great at daycare, but closes her mouth tightly to foods when we offer them at home. I'm not stressing about it, and just continuing to offer her new things to try. She's nursing in the morning before I leave, and then 2-3 times after daycare. She LOVES to nurse, and would probably nurse all night long if I let her. She's at the stage where she can make it very clear what exactly she wants by pulling on my shirt and trying to chew on my boob through my shirt. It can get a little awkward in a big group of people, but we embrace it! It's pretty hilarious to see.

Ruby is still sleeping great (besides the few nights that her ears have been hurting). She has started going to bed a little earlier, but not because I want her to! I really enjoy and cherish our evenings together and kind of liked that she was staying up later, but she had been giving us lots of cues of being sleepy around 7:30. So, instead of dealing with a fussy, tired baby, we just started putting her down earlier. She's sleeping about 11 hours usually, and wakes up around 6:30. Can't complain!

Her hair has really come in this month! It's like it's growing overnight at this point. It's long enough for a clip, which makes this mama so very happy. Except, she will not keep them in for the life of her. She LOVES pulling them out and chewing on them. Oh well. It's cute while it lasts, and it's pretty funny to watch her search for it, reach up and find it, and then examine her treasure. ;)

Ruby's babbling almost constantly at this point. We joke that when she learns how to actually "talk" she's never going to stop. Her favorite word is definitely "dada". She says it all. the. time. She has the sweetest little raspy voice that just makes me smile. She already has such a tone and inflection to the way she "speaks", it's really pretty amazing. I can't wait to hear some of the things this girl will say someday!

Ruby's favorite things:
-Banjo
-Mama & Dada
-Bath time
-Playing constantly
-Swinging (Ruby's Dano & DD bought her a playset and we are loving it!)
-Clapping
-Squealing
-Dancing
-Being crazy
-Tearing stuff up (if I ever need a spare moment, say to pee, I just give her some toilet paper and let her go to town tearing it up...she thinks it's the best thing ever)
-Puffs
-Frozen peaches and mangoes

Ruby's not-so-favorite things:
-Sleeves are still the worst thing ever.
-Actually, just getting dressed at all is pretty horrible.
-Being told "no" is pretty high up on the list of things Ruby hates. (she loves to play in Banjo's water bowl and we hate to clean up the mess that ensues when she does so. we take her away from the bowl and say "no" and she gives us the saddest look ever known to mankind and then bursts into tears). It's almost enough for me to just let her play in the water, but I know she has to learn eventually!
-Getting in her carseat after I pick her up from daycare. I understand this one. She hasn't seen me all day long, and she just wants mama to hold her, but I want to get home and hold her. She just can't understand the logic.

My Sweet Love, 

Mama and Daddy are so proud of the fun, quirky, loveable little person that you are. You make us SO happy! We always talk about how lucky we are to have you, and how wonderful we think you are. We are so happy to be apart of your life, and watching you grow is the greatest privilege we could ever wish for. You're the greatest, Rubes. 

Love,

Mama