Ramblings of a Foster Mom

We're preparing for some big transitions in the Crosby house in the next couple of months. It's becoming enough to make my head spin, and I've just got to write some things down.
Our foster sons, J & J, who have been with us since September (going on 8 months), are moving at the beginning of May to an adoptive home.
Where? We don't know.
Things are very complicated, and at this point all that we know is that we are not meant to adopt them, and they need to be with a family that will be there for them forever. Coming to that conclusion was not an easy task, but it is one that we feel at peace about. These boys have been through more than any 3 & 5 year old should ever have to go through, and it shows. They are exhausting. They kick, scream, punch, and melt down at the drop of a hat, without explanation. They are HARD. We love them, but they are hard. These past 8 months have tried me in ways I don't even want to admit. I wish I could say that I've been the loving, caring, picturesque foster mom throughout this entire journey with them, but to be honest, there were days where all I wanted was for them to be gone. They push my buttons like nothing else.
They are also two of the kindest little boys you've ever met. They love Ruby and try to take such good care of her. They love to dance, and have got some seriously amazing moves. They have the cutest, deepest dimples and the sweetest brown eyes that light up at the most simple things. They make us laugh and smile and have brought so much joy to our lives the past 8 months  We love them deeply.
When people ask whats next for the boys, I struggle to find the words because there's a small part of me that feels like we are failing them by not choosing to adopt them. People say things like "Oh, if I could adopt them, I would do it in a heartbeat!!" or "they are so sweet...who wouldn't want to adopt them?" and even though I know their intentions aren't to be completely insulting I want to spit back at them "Oh really? Then by all means, here is their social worker's number! Please give her a call and lets get this show on the road, because they are READY for a forever home...like yesterday." But I nod and smile instead and keep those things in my head because really, people just don't get it. Until you have walked this strange road of foster care, you just cannot get it. It's not normal at all, and I don't expect anyone to understand. I can't explain fully why we aren't adopting them because there aren't really any reasons. It's not because they are hard kids, it's not because I've been punched in the face multiple times in the past month, it's not because everything in our house has been either chewed on or peed on, it's not because they have deep lingering issues that will take years, if not a lifetime to work through, it's just not what is right for our family right now. I don't expect people to understand that explanation, it's extremely vague and I'm sure if I was on the other side asking someone why they wouldn't want to adopt two precious, curly headed boys that look like they could be my own sons I probably wouldn't understand either.
It's not normal.
The crazy part of all of this is that we are going to hurt from this choice. It is going to hurt so badly to say goodbye to these boys. We truly love them. Ruby loves them. We're going to need prayer and support when they leave because a piece of our hearts will be leaving with them, it's going to be so very, very sad. But yet, it's the right thing to do. How incredibly confusing is that? I don't believe that we were made to make these types of decisions or feel these types of emotions, it's so unnatural. Here we are though, the decision has been made and while it's heartbreaking and painful, it's strangely what we know is right.
We have to trust that what we tell them every night at bed, that God loves them more than they will ever know and He has a special plan (or 'pecial pan as lil J says) for their lives, is true. We have to trust that we are making the right decision not only for our lives, but theirs as well. It's not something we take lightly.
You might be wondering why I'm telling you all of this. Mostly, to get it off of my chest because sometimes it just feels good to type my thoughts. But also because I want you to know that if you happen know someone who is having to make similar difficult decisions, please support them. Be ready to listen to them ramble on about all of the conflicting thoughts and emotions that come with these types of decisions, and be ready to not judge. It's going to be hard because you're looking in from the outside and all you see are precious children who need a family, and believe me, your friend wants nothing more than for those kids to find their forever family...it's just might not be them. It's weird and confusing and you're probably not going to understand. Instead of trying to understand, just love them and love their kids. Have their backs and let them know that they are supported.
We have an amazing support system. I have friends that have listened to me go on and on about this situation and have loved us ALL so well through these past 8 months. I've gone to dinner with fellow foster families that have made this exact decision and knowing that we're not the only ones was such a relief. Having people to listen and not judge has been an amazing blessing. I know that not everyone has that, and if this helps just one person be that support system for another foster family making these types of decisions, I'll consider it a success.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." -Proverbs 3:5-6