On Being a Mama

Mother's day is this weekend. This will be my third to celebrate as a mama, because we celebrated the year that Ruby-girl was still cookin' in my belly, and I have to say that each year the holiday becomes more and more meaningful to me. Not because of the presents, or the yummy dinner Andrew makes, or even the sweet little gift Ruby makes at daycare (although that definitely melts me into a puddle), it's because every year I grow more and more aware of what a gift this journey of motherhood is.
When I think back on my whopping two years of being a mama (I realize I am absolutely no expert at this point...will any of us ever be?!), I feel so much gratefulness in my heart. Even thinking about the hardest moments; like that first week of Ruby's life, evacuated from hurricane Isaac, painfully engorged and sleep deprived not knowing how on earth I will ever make it out of this alive, crying alongside my hungry baby at every feeding (which was about every 30 minutes) because we just couldn't figure it out. Or my first day back at work after a blissful 12 weeks at home with my sweet baby girl, the guilt I felt leaving her at daycare and how I cried every time I pumped for the first week and a half because all I wanted to be doing was snuggling my girl. Or saying goodbye to our first foster care placement, even though he was only with us 5 days, how my heart felt like it was shattered into a million pieces (and has felt that way every time we say goodbye to one of our precious babies). Even those memories feel like gifts. Maybe because we did figure it out eventually. That's kind of how motherhood has been so far for me. I mess up. A lot. There are a lot of tears, worries, confusion, guilt, and true heartache, but by the grace of God we figure it out and come out on the other side feeling pretty good about it all. Sure, there are days where I feel like screaming into a pillow because of the frustration of not knowing what the heck I'm doing, but I'm always reminded that this love that I get to experience every day, this love like no other, is such a gift. Loving Ruby, our sweet newest bundle, and the 7 other precious little ones that have blessed us the past two years has been the greatest gift I have been given.

"I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love." -Mother Theresa